“it is so. it cannot be otherwise.”

what it is.

life is what it is, it’s what you make of it, it’s also wildly out of your control. at least that’s what i’m feeling right now. of course you can “control” your environment “to an extent”.

it’s all about attitude, and choice, and change.

but i realize several things.

1) i want to be famous in some way, or wildly successful, and i have to come to the realistic realization that the success might be in me finding a suitable career that makes enough money to get by comfortably (gasp…or even one where i just make enough to pay the bills and scrape by), or working hard on a relationship that could continue into marriage where i realize i have to work even harder but for greater payoff, or in small successes that i don’t already see as benchmarks. like little blogging successes here and there. i haven’t had too many of those, but i haven’t been doing too much quality blogging, more like pathetic low-quality online journaling.

2) even if i were to achieve wild success, it certainly wouldn’t make me that much happier. au contraire, it would probably bring a whole new set of concerns. i never realized how much it cost to be a big-name star until i watched entourage. i see that once you get a more expensive living style, you must upkeep it: expensive furniture for the expensive house, drinks and club fees to keep up with other tabloid-hungry-vampire-stars

3) on a smaller scale, i even need to work on stopping comparing myself to other people i know. it’s good to reflect on what i see of them and A) recognize i’m probably not seeing their difficulties (like the difficulties i keep to myself) and B) i’ll see something i like and instead of being jealous or getting depressed by comparison, i can find something i could achieve on par with that or in a similar thread of life and work towards that. like, if someone has an awesome job with flexible hours and great pay, i have to see the nit ‘n grit behind it and adjust what i can do for myself. everything takes work!

4) back to what it is. i am free to free myself of an “all-or-nothing” destructive cycle. it really is what it is. and sometimes it’s bleak, like the weather today. and i have certain realities i must live with, and face when necessary, and put on a shelf at other times (though these things are always there). they may not be in the future, but most likely i’ll always have some family difficulty or another. nobody has a perfect family. i can appreciate the humor and love and support i still get from my family.

what it is, oh boy, oh girl, oh yeah. it’s a lot of work. and maybe i have a better ability to feel more joy because i’ve felt “more sorrow”.

i am still young, even if my marriage-clock is ticking as it does every summer where i hear about more and more friends getting engaged or married. i have to remind myself i’m not in a rush, i’m in it for life. marriage, that is, ’twere it a possibility.

who knows. more importantly, i’m almost finished a huge landmark for myself, and i want to finish strong and as happily as can be. it’s been a rough year, though. but i know i am stronger in many ways because of it.

so, in conclusion, don’t let comparisons give you too much company! go for a walk, go for a talk with a friend, get intimate in a friendly way with more people so you can see that life ain’t easy for nobody or nothin, etcetera, double negatives,

even if i only see them through email still. but still, a couple of them do live around here where i live. 10 friends plus 1 me all made an email group in high school. throughout college it was great to stay in touch, but there were also heated debates and arguments and it got a little crazy at times. it died down eventually, but now we’re using it again because several of the girls recently got engaged. out of 11, only 4 are still ‘available’ (aka not engaged or married, though several of them are in relationships).

anyway, i love my friends because they’re so awesome in every way, intelligent and humorous dorks. and bottomy to no end. here’s an example from an email chain today:

“Amandoo: “yeah, i probably have too many weddings to go to this spring/summer. and traveling all the way to [local place right by where i live]? i barely know where that is!
okay so my sarcasm sucked. i am getting excited about all these weddings. woot woot!” -me

Friendgela: “Amandoo- I just saw that “woot” was the Merriam-Webster 2007 word of the year. It was actually “w00t,” with two zeros, as used by gamers to convey happiness or triumph. In fact, elites sometimes substitute the “t” with a “7″ for an extra special dose of satisfaction, rendering it “w007.” The word was also used by Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” when she
shouted in all of her awkward, unrefined glory: “Woot, woot, woot!” So cheers to your wooting and I shall endeavor to incorporate such terms into my vocabulary so that we may speak more fluently and effectively together. Please forgive me if I slip and give an old-fashioned “hurrah” now and then. You can take the girl out of the 20th century, but you can’t take the 20th century out of the girl.”
-Friendgela “woot woot” [Last name]“

yeah i love these gals. they certainly know how to woo[t] me away.

ps i am proud of myself and my linguistic life. moreso my friends and their accomplishments.
i’m also just weird.

“Snow and Ice hit Midwest States” My family who lives near Detroit denies these claims, but admits to there being a possibility that it could hit as soon as tomorrow. That means in a few days, we will most likely be getting snow out here. Is that awesome? Maybe. I do love snow, and I guess if it’s going to be cold, then why not have some fun and beautiful snow? Really, I should get a coat.

Sadly, I have no money. And no jobs further. Well, I sort of had a job and I’m going to get some money from it at some point, but I’ve been waiting since mid-October for my next check. It’s sad. And I should be all happy and celebrating because I just finished taking my comprehensive examination, a requirement for passing the Grad School Education program. And I think I passed. But alas, so quickly I let go of the glory?

No! By gone! As I write this I remember the words of my mother, spoken early this morning, and she said to cultivate gratitude in every step of your life. For it can drastically change a life, make a child realize they like school, make a sick person better. Yes indeed. I am thankful for cats, my dog, my boyfriend, thankful for food (and credit cards to pay for it, hellish as they/that may be) and I’m very happy for my friends getting engaged.

I guess life isn’t so bad after all. The snow will be a nice change if it does happen. Maybe I can join a snow shoveling crew…dun dun dun dun (noise of dread and bad tasteless humor)

i told a friend who has five classes right now that he doesn’t have to do the reading. he looked at me like i was crazy. so i might have made it through years and years of not doing reading, or just skimming, or speed reading, but right now i’m stuck. i have a huge comprehensive exam coming up on basically everything i’ve ever learned in grad school, and i don’t remember a lot of it. probably because i didn’t read, sometimes didn’t do my homework, skipped a few too many classes (hurts when they’re only once a week), and sold back the books online.

(by the way, if you’re bored like i am, go to here and read this cute picture book: “The Other Side” by Istvan Banyai on Michael Salamon’s blog)

i have a study guide and i’m going over stuff, but i should have been doing this for months. i just don’t know. i have to pass this test. so i’m procrastinating to write about it. of course. i didn’t really study for the French exam, but that was different. this is a lot of theory and hoo-hah that i just don’t remember. some of it applies to me so i remember that, but the other stuff does not interest me. oh well, i guess it’s good to have it all somewhere.

so i’m putting it on another blog site i have to hopefully become rich and famous from someday. i’m not rich right now. but last night i did eat a nice rich crab-filled salmon. it was delicious. and it was with some girl friends and then it turned into a big party.

also, my best friend is engaged. and a good friend and cousin of mine as well. so many engagements like boom boom woh! it’s very exciting, but also reminds me a need to really think about that whole thing, relationships, whether i want or don’t want what from who ha!

although i am practically guilty of almost having engaged in this practice, i see the downsides of it loud and clear. and i’ve talked with people. they agree. i’ve got unhappy customer testimonials out the door, and i read another article saying ‘neigh, ’tis not the best of ideas’. first, here’s my view:

living together without the real commitment of marriage or even the promise of the possibility of that (ie engagement and the like) reinforce the lax morals of today’s society who makes a mockery of marriage. yes, there is a high divorce rate, but cohabitation pre-marriage shows higher divorce rates than not doing so.

i used to think it would be the most evil and immoral thing in the world, until i changed a lot of my life views and saw the other side. i see how it might ‘save money’ or stave off ‘loneliness’ but neither of these ideas truly pan out in the real played out situation of l.t.b.m.

i don’t like the whole lack-of-commitment thing, and i think it would take away from the excitement of getting married and moving in together. i also know that i like my own place to go, and if you’re dating someone (even if you’re sure that you’ll be together for quite a bit) just think of the chance that you might have a huge fight and need some space, or if you broke up?

i know i would feel like i had no place to go to to be alone, and my boyfriend would probably feel smothered. right now i live in a great set-up with awesome roommate/housemates and i pay less than i would if i relocated.

i also care what others think, and they would frown upon it (especially where i live right now i’d be sent out of town!), and i personally want to wait until i have a proposal and i ring before i give up my own personal living environment.

read this article: The Perils of Playing House from Psychology Today magazine and see what you think.

i love a good snoog, a good animal sharing, a good feeling i get from having someone to eat meals with (my roommates and i are never all home at the same time), but i know it’s smart and necessary for me to continue to live ‘on my own’ and i intend to do so until singledom-does-me-part=forever!

spell check will tell you that.

i think i’m growing some narcolepsy or something. spell check told me it might be nympholepsy which i was really ruling out until i found this- “State of ecstasy and frenzied emotion in relation to the unattainable” if we stretch the ‘unattainable’ to a perfect and beyond contented future then maybe that is me.

we may never know. you may never know i mean.

everyone is getting engaged. EVERYONE. it’s pretty exciting, except for that i’m nowhere near that.

i made it through the halfway point of summer school class, and i’m feeling okay. i was almost ready to quit a second time, which would have sucked on many levels.

now i’m going to celebrate by going and buying some ‘teacher clothes’ which i majorly lack.

love,
amandoo

Something delicious is happening. Things are good, I am decidedly not lacking in mental clairvoyance or clarity.

Had enough of that I guess. I am still a lil’ o.o.c. spectacular. Or so I like to think.

I found out about two relevant engagements within an hour of each other- and then I talked to a friend from high school who told me about a third, that I, nor anyone I know of had known about. yes I can keep secrets and I intend to on that one until I hear of it from someone else. But woh! Throw some whats on the whos?

I guess I wish I was sleeping right now. I. also gotta go b-b-q. Meaning the VCR is not only not set up, but where is it? It may have disappeared in the move. And good ol’ technology teacher says ‘bring a VHS for taping yourself because those are the most universal means’ or something like that.

You know, it’s all dollars to donuts up in this D. Dollars to donuts? Yes. A girl in my class actually used that. I was so caught off guard that I fail to remember the context, thusly having no idea how to properly use it myself, but make way for dollops to dancers or something way worse than that.

Who wants to go to AC?! I mean the shore. For sure. For short. A short period of time.

My wireless is suck right now. I guess I should just go to bed. But I got a text message from my new roommate that said ‘sick in bed. talk tomorrow’ to I guess explain why she didn’t move in today. It will in fact be great and or very interesting times to have more roommates.

And my bestest friend is coming on Tuesday which shall be sweet.

Finally, I watched a movie. I can’t say the title of it until I write about it. But boy was it good. And yes, I am this vague in real life too, always, to everyone, about everything.

And that is why I can’t write good lesson plans. Or what not. It tastes good though, life.

i’m always a lil tired aren’t i? mostly. oh well. i can’t believe how much i love cute dogs named bella and then some other cute dogs. i used to HATE them. i try not to hate on anything anymore.

well…

maybe not not hate on everything.

marriage in america. what is it. i don’t know.

i am proud of all the friends of mine who have some marriages or some childrens. i can’t ever even have any more real relationships. just fakeships. or celibacy.

it’s just like what one wise quasimoto once said “Don’t go away mad/Just go away/You ain’t gotta go away mad, girl/Just go away” and i think it has been said to me. by myself. or by all the other hydrants.

in case you dint know about the b-boys and i. we’ll all be hanging out as soon as i get one of these babies. it’s really the only kind of baby i could have right now. speaking of missing my niece!

should i go to my friends’ concert at the end of july and erykah badu at the beginning of august, or should i go to the rock the bells show?!?!

so many decisions, so little discussion about the important things that have happened to me recently. like seeing a cardinal’s nest outside my friends’ window. they say the mother leaves more than the father so he comes and feeds the baby cardinals more than she does. i got to see it happen.

i also found out a wealth of awesome information on hummingbirds. i will share it when i recover the article on it.

finally, the best part of everything, my friend last night saw ‘interior light in his car on all the time’ man. so he is real. very real. unfortunately horsebird is less prevalent these days.

i love you all but i have to work. last night after work i came out to a plastic bag on my car. my coworker and i checked it out to make sure nothing fishscaley was up. nothing was. it was just a bag of your average dried mango. actually it was really good dried mango. and my car smelled overwhelmingly like cologne. that’s the part i don’t understand.

life is and is not equally a mystery. i love it.