Life & Death, Yin & Yang, & Reviews & Re-Visions…and Teaching?

i come from a family where music can mean anything and everything to each of us. i know a lot of people probably feel that way, but if i spent two hours getting into it, you might get what i’m saying, and i’d still have a few more hours to go explaining why…

thomas newman – how to make an american quilt

from the soundtrack you know. i don’t even know if i ever saw the movie. but t.newmerz became a hugely important part of my mother’s life, so much so that she wrote him a deep, long letter from her heart. she was so touched. and then so was my sister, who passed. and so was, and am, i. and i imagine many hundreds of thousands of people can and do feel the same way.

he wrote soundtracks for indescribably beautiful concepts/movies, like “shawshank redemption” “meet joe black” and the popular “american beauty”, as well as many others such as the video i’m sharing. and how could i not mention “angels in america”?! these songs touch the deepest parts of my soul, to a place and point where i don’t care what time it is, what mood i’m in, i can always let go of my facade, caring what others think, being ashamed of overflowing feelings and emotions…it’s just pure beauty. he is a genius.

i am going through SO much right now. it makes all that other stuff i thought was tough to go through look almost like fluffy pillows. but. alas. i respect my former self, at that time, and recognize that the “me” at that time really felt like i was “going through a lot”. and music always helps me.

if i’m upset and want to cry, i might listen to thomas newman, as i now more than ever associate him with emotions with such depth that i can’t describe…circa the time of my sister’s death and surreal funeral. and if i’m happy i’ll put on the beatles. or sad the beatles. or want to dance- pop, or want to escape- rap. or want to be someone different- listen to an alternative station.

i’m not going to try and make any points here. just sharing that thomas newman is an astounding composer and/or songwriter. and, as so many of you can relate to, whether or not you play or make any music, everyone loves a great song, and whatever mood strikes, it’s nice to find complementary music. maybe that’s why i’m so excited about being a DJ.

what a world, hearing is possibly the last sense i’d want to give up. it’s tough deciding between vision and hearing. tonight it’s hearing i’d want to hold onto forever. i have seen so much, but i’d go crazy if i couldn’t enjoy the beauty of music out there already, music to come, music to commemorate and cherish, and music i can create!

I found the poem posted on a site while googling grieving and the like. It was a comment a person made, they had lost their father, and this was read at his funeral. Author unknown.

Even though sometimes with all the death, cancer, and immensely difficult things that have happened in the last ~2 years for me and so many people I’m close to, I feel upset and don’t know what I believe about God/religion/heaven/etc…but I always find that I am more comforted to believe that there is an afterlife, that my sister is in “heaven” (whatever it’s like), or at least somewhere where I will get to see her again. I do believe this life on earth we have may just be a fraction of a speck of sand on a beach compared with the bigger picture (whatever that is). I definitely have my doubts, depressions, and difficulties, but I always find comfort, and sometimes I even think that it is my sister giving it to me. I know I can’t know for sure on this earth, but I choose to know. Just like “faith” and not having to “see it to believe it”.

One, Allah, the Creator, God, Jesus, Yahweh, Lord Almighty, whatever you call the Great Being in the “Sky”, comforts me, sometimes through other people, and then when I’m alone and feel so alone in my sadness, I am eventually comforted by something greater than me. Perhaps it is just me (critics might say), but I say it’s God in there (and yes, again, I’m not exactly sure what that means…I don’t know if God is a man or woman…or both. probably both.)

Without further ado, here’s that poem. (As you may have noticed, I haven’t been posting much. I could post a lot. But grief is an on and off consumer of my being, and if I spend toooo much time alone, I can get sadsacked.) But anyway, here’s a poem I found I really like, that’s not too overly preachy about “Well yes you may be sad, but at least they’re in God’s hands now!”

Perhaps if you’ve lost someone close to you, you can imagine them reading this. I know it can be very, very hard. Surreal and almost insurmountable…oh yeah, I got distracted again…let the poem say cute things now:

TO THOSE I LOVE AND TO THOSE WHO LOVE ME

When I am gone release me let me go.

I have so many things to see and do.

You mustn’t tie yourself to me with tears,

Be thankful for our many beautiful years
I gave to you my love.

You can only guess

How much you gave to me in happiness,

I thank you for the love you each have shown,
But now it’s time I traveled on alone.

So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must,

Then let your grief be comforted by trust.

It’s only for a time that we must part,
So bless the memories within your heart.

I won’t be far away, for life goes on.

So if you need me, call and I will come,

Though you can’t see or touch me, I’ll be near.

And if you listen with your heart, you’ll hear
All my love around you soft and clear.

And then, when you must come this way alone,

I’ll greet you with a smile and say~
“WELCOME HOME!”

This guy is simply the best. It’s only because of him that I love the 4th of July so much. He represents true freedom of expression to me.

The Great Daryl Nathan – 4th of July

I love the timing/key change, and I mostly love everything about it. Hard to explain just how much I love it. There’s not just something about him, there’s everything.

Of course when someone asks me how I’m doing, every day and every time I could respond “Terribly. My sister recently died.” But that would scare away all my friends and other American societarians. (Americans just don’t respect grief enough, or rather it’s not appreciated and understood as much as it should be. Guess that happens with an instant-gratification, hide your emotions, compete compete compete way-of-life). But I do not say that I’m depressed, or feeling awful. It depends obviously on who’s asking and whether I think they’d care for a real response, as many people surely do, but I also reflect on how I’m doing at that time, and if it’s good, it’s good.

At first it was really hard. Immensely difficult. But I’ve learned a few things. I’ll talk about them in another post, but, knowing that I’ll have the rest of my life to grieve/deal with this, I cannot always be bad. I chose not to go the way of abysmal depression and despair, and to let my emotions come and go as necessary, to be honest with myself, and occasionally with those around me

But I find a lot of things in life have to do with your attitude. And that’s been said many times before, but it’s always good to have a reminder, as lasting change takes consistent effort. And I’d like to share this as perhaps someone searching for grief will come across it, and feel some resonance with what I’m saying. No, I’m not anywhere near “getting over it” or “moving on” (which I read one author said it seems that society gives you sympathy and allows grieving for about 6 weeks). I still think about her several times a day, cry almost daily, and occasionally have a memory or something that gives me the urge to cry and I don’t if I’m in public or whatever. But I debated taking anti-depressants, and decided not to as they a) would certainly give me crazy side effects (especially because of my point of view on prescription medications), and b) they would only mask the feelings/pain temporarily, and may even make it difficult to feel appropriate responses to whatever situation I’m in. I was only considering them if I had gotten into an unreasonable amount of depression, and as the weeks have gone by (soon it will be two months), I feel better more and more of the time.

Back to the attitude thing. I do believe in the law of attraction. My life has taken quite a few different turns recently, and some major changes have happened (other than my sister’s death). I could easily, and justifiably, say I’m doing horribly, and complain or, more appropriately, be grumpy. But I find myself happy, or in a positive mental state, a surprising amount of the time.

And I have another job potential that I’m REALLY excited about. I’m glad not to be teaching because I couldn’t imagine being “on” all the time, plus the grading and planning in the evenings. It is also summer. Who knows, I will probably go back to teaching at some point, but for now I want to try out jobs that give me more freedom, and see if I can do more with my creative interests.

In having a good attitude, I don’t waste as much time, I feel better (and it’s a positive cycle), and sometimes I just feel that my sister is looking down on me, wishing me well and hoping that I am happy. And laughing. We always made each other laugh, a lot.

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” -Shakespeare

That guy knew what he was talking about!

OK, so maybe I haven’t gotten ice cream at “Ice Creations Cafe” yet, but I can guess it’d also be overpriced, or at least really expensive. There isn’t even a billboard with prices up. The reason I’m taking the time to blog is because I was appalled at the prices today.

I went there last week when it first opened and got an americano (I drink americano’s pretty much daily). It was not very good. There was also no cream, just whole and low-fat milk. (Update- they do have cream, it just wasn’t out and you have to ask for it) I love me some cream in my americano! But, I didn’t even count them out just yet- I said, ok, I’ll try again next time.

Next time was today. I decided to try an iced americano, as those could feasibly be better than a hot one. I was also hungry, so I looked at their pastries and bagels (did notice a fly buzzing around, though they are hard to avoid when the door’s open), and decided to get something.

I remembered I had cream cheese at home, so in an effort to save some money, I just ordered a plain whole grain bagel. My total was $5.72!

I got a receipt and looked at it. The americano said “iced coffee/latte” for $3.00 (that’s a whole lot more than I even pay at Starbucks), but ok, it’s a small local business I would have supported (were it quality!), and the bagel said $2.40.

No bagel should cost $2.40 PLAIN. I asked about it. I thought maybe they had charged me for a breakfast sandwich bagel! He looked at the register and said, “Oh, that was an error. It’s 1.90 plus tax which comes to 2.01″. He gave me back some change, and I didn’t say anything, but how the $%^& are you gonna charge that much for a PLAIN BAGEL?!

I got home and put butter on half, cream cheese on the other. And guess what- just like the americano, the bagel was just…EH. I’ve had much better.

I have seen people eating the ice cream,and if I care enough to try that out and get a price range, I’ll let you know. But here’s my point: I do not recommend buying coffee or baked goods there.

I will give them ONE more chance. I will go in to do some re-con, scope out the iced creations prices, and give them the opportunity to wow them with their iced coffee- maybe that’s good. And I’ll ask if they intend to get cream.

And then I’ll update. If not, right now, it’s not looking good for them. Sure, kids love ice cream and if they can walk to a local joint, they will, but I don’t know how long they’ll fare, especially at these unfair prices.

UPDATE: I didn’t even finish the bagel that day, it was doughy and not tasty. But, I think they might be changing their baked goods?

However, I got two comments from them on this blog post. One you can see below, which I replied to. The other was my full name, which they probably found by looking back at my receipt/card info. That is not very mature, and also probably illegal. But all’s fair on the internet. My opinion stands. And now, after receiving the comment accusing me of not being honest (as well as some sort of attempt to publicize my name- wow), I do not intend to go back.

I’m about to enjoy a nice cool, refreshing, delicious cointreau margarita. Want to learn more about Cointreau? At one point in my life I actually lived in the town where Cointreau is from in France! How cool is that?!

Here’s the recipe I’m using:

Pour into a shaker with ice:
- 1 oz. Cointreau
- 2 oz. Tequila
- 3/4 oz. Fresh lime juice

Strain into a salt rimmed Margarita glass

I have 1800 Tequila (fairly nice, though no Patron), and am using pink Himalayan crystal salt instead of just boring old table salt.

Margaritas were a huge help when I was out in MI with the fam after the tragic passing of my sister. Just over a month ago now. I didn’t think I’d be particularly affected yesterday (other than acknowledging that it had been a month and I still can’t believe it), but at one point, I was learning to sing a song a friend had wrote, and I listened to the lyrics and then just couldn’t help but burst into tears. C’est la vie. It hits you hard, randomly, grief.

So let me actually get this margarita thing going and come back to this post! OK, so, here are a few more notes:

-Himalayan pink crystal salt is delicious
-This #$%^ is strong tasting
-1800 tequila was kinda difficult to get open (annoying plastic wrap stuff)
a. They have a shot-pour-cap, which is an innovative idea
b. But it sucks. You have to be careful not to let it drip out (which I didn’t do a good job of) when inverting it.
-Margaritas are delicious. This is a lot better than a mix, and less sugar and therefore fewer calories haha

Yeah, so, margaritas were a mainstay for me that week I was home. Mind you, I was drinking socially and a lot of good times and even many laughs were had because of these. And now, I have purchased the makings for them to enjoy at home. Am I drinking alone? I’m not going to answer that question. Would that make me an alcoholic?

No! Not if I’m cooking too! Right, “Harto”?!

This girl could be my friend, but, I can never get over making a grilled cheese without cheese. But sometimes life is tough, so…respect!

ADDENDUM- so you may be asking, how would this post be complete without some personal proof input?!

Well, it’s been tough lately! I thought my cam had totally run out of battery, left it in MI, then it got sent…anyway, long story not gonna go on anymore. I got a pic, and here it is!

I could get into a lot right now. I know I need want to be writing more. You see, there is so much involved in losing a sibling. So much. And it’s so weird. 2 weeks, 4 days since my sister’s been gone. I know because I stopped crossing off the date on my above-my-desk-calendar the day it happened. I really think I need to make a page/section on this. Possibly.

So I was going through old letters from her, and again scouring my massive database of pics and videos, and whenever I come across a video of her, it produces the weirdest reactions. (Not that weird, probably totally normal, but I just mean weird in the sense of how can I really believe that she is no longer alive and stuff…) Yeah, seeing her in videos is weird.

Maybe I’ll get you a vid, but right now I can’t unless it’s on youtube. It’s all a huge blur of blubber- tears.

Actually I don’t think I cried once today about it, or maybe a few tearings-ups, the floody days were exhausting, yet, I’m sure there will be more to come.

I’m trying to get around to saying I was going through stuff, then was like “Oh, yeah. The internet could possibly help me!” So I googled: “Death of a Sibling“. Then I read one page, liked a whole lot of it, and got distracted, writing my two “bereaved” siblings a long email, and then decided to blog.

This blog post is ALL over the place. Blogging will be good. With the help of a friend, I decided to come up with ~10 things I like to do, and to do between 3-5 of them a day. Blogging is definitely one of them!

But here is that first link I found: Words of Wisdom for Those Who Have Lost a Sibling

I liked it. It’s a page made by some guy, with a few different sections. Anniversary reactions (the pain coming up on the anniversary of their death or birth, and other times) will indeed happen and be difficult, sometimes decades later. Right now, we’re talking days and week anniversaries. I know I have thought of them. I like the tip of simply being aware of the dates can help lessen the pain or symptoms that may come up (if you weren’t aware).

The Lost Relationship section just lists a bunch of different factors- what was the relationship like? circumstances of death? (She passed suddenly, unexpectedly, and wrongly- in a car crash that wasn’t her fault). A bunch of other things that may change how the grief goes. There are indeed some other factors I may get into in blogging or private writing moreso.
The Importance of Self-Care. I was reading this, and thought that was the end of the page, and decided to help care for myself, I would reach out to my bro and sis, and wrote them an email. I want to include the paragraphs I really liked from this section on processing a sibling loss:

Learn about the process

You can help yourself to heal in other ways too. One is to educate yourself about the process of grief–just being able to give a name to what is happening to you is helpful. As you consider the phases and stages of grief, you don’t have to agree with any particular theory. In fact, you might make up your own theory of grief stages, based on your own experience. Who else is better qualified? Learning about the stages helps you to put your experience into a specific context. This feels better than living with the vague ill-defined “soup” of mixed emotions and thoughts about your loss.

It is also helpful to learn about the lifelong impact of sibling loss, so you can compare and contrast your experience with what has been learned through research. Every time you read about someone else’s experience or the results of research on sibling loss, you have an opportunity to sort out your experience. You say to yourself, “my experience wasn’t like that” or “that’s exactly what I felt.” This process of turning the experience over and over in your mind works somewhat like a rock tumbler–you put in jagged rocks and tumble them until they become smooth. Comparing and contrasting your experience helps you to work it through.

And then it talked about connecting with other bereaved siblings and I really liked their tender words:

“Connecting with others by reading about or sharing experiences is an essential part of your healing. At the moment you learn that your brother or sister is going to die or has died, you begin to form a special place within you to put this experience and keep it away from the rest of your life. This “trauma membrane” keeps others away from your pain and your experience. Other bereaved siblings can often get inside this trauma membrane when no one else can. Once you open this part of yourself to another person whom you trust, healing can begin.”

Especially right now, while the pain, shock, agony, and all the other mixes of emotions and “grief” (I have “grieved” before, but have never lost another sibling, and this is quite traumatic) are so fresh and extensive, it’s nice to be reminded that there are a few people I know and love that could provide me with unique support. And then I’ll continue reading about other’s experiences, and maybe I can share it with them.

My goodness, gracious. My GOD. This is difficult. My mom admitted to me that she has said a traditional prayer each night before going to bed for as long as she can remember, but since my sis died, she has had trouble with it. She and I discussed how the religious beliefs we’ve held explain death and the “hereafter” quite well, so even though there have been other difficult deaths (and especially some recently- read back through my blog if you really cared to know all I’ve been through in the past 2 years!), we’ve never blamed God or said “Why me?!” Now, I have trouble too. Anyway, back to story, I’m wrapping up this poor post pitifully . She said every night since it happened, she’s just said: “I’m mad at you,” or, “I’m still mad at you”.

Cute. Family is great. This @#$% is weird. I’ll tell you that much. I never could have predicted this is what I’d be doing. I thought things were going to be great, 6 weeks ago I was so optimistic I could have a great new, wondrous life. And now all I’m having is a woundrous life. Get it?

Alright, well, we’ll see what happens. I’ll let you know about my internet searching (though it’s really past my bedtime, so maybe I’ll just take care of myself and get to bed), as I’m sure there are hours and hours and thousands and thousands of pages and links and tidbits and message boards and book and other recommendations on how to deal with it. But that did help me tonight, when I was alone, and feeling so lost and alone about this.

I love you, internet. I’m going to be writing on your webpages a lot since I didn’t recently get raptured.

There my life was, having some ups and some downs, and quite a few changes, actually, and then, something totally unexpected happened. And it was/is totally traumatic. Terrible.

My sister was killed in a car accident.

I have been through a number of things in my life, and I am accustomed to having and processing a plethora of feelings, but nothing has ever been or felt as s#%^&y as this. This takes all the cake, binges on the whole thing, then throws it back up on me, and then I get sick from it.

Part of the difficulty is that now I’m working from home doing something I did before, and it’s not teaching. It’s good I’m not teaching, because there is no way I could put on a happy face every day and pretend like everything’s ok. My entire future forecast has been dimmed, and mangled. Speaking of mangled, this is how bad the crash was:

Look at how beautiful the background is (that day looks so gorgeous as opposed to the flood warnings and rain and storm forecasted all up in my near future face), and it marks (what I hope will be!) the worst day of my life (or I should at least get a 20-30 year good-to-go no-tragedy guarantee).

My cousin committed suicide in August last year, and left behind my good childhood friend to raise their three young children. Then in November, my best friend’s brother died unexpectedly of an overdose. He was a similar age to my sister. I did grieve about that, because I knew that could have been my sister.

But she was doing well, and then that’s what happened?! And we’re still waiting to hear back about what made the guy cross over the median. Ugh. Swear words.

It’s been 12 days. The week where I went home to Michigan felt like several eternities. So if there is a heaven like I’m trying to still believe, maybe that overwhelming feeling that was enough to severely alter how time felt could conversely be a good thing, like, “Yay, someday I’ll get to go to Heaven and be with my sister to eternity.” But right now the rain and the wretched reality are sinking me into a sad stupor.

I have told my resilient persona that I will not allow myself to go into a deep depression where I don’t do anything and don’t reach out for help. And I won’t go there. But, I have had a pretty rough time since I got back home a couple days ago. Working at home alone, coupled with not being in the serious relationship I was in before, and combined with the density of difficulty associated with this death is oppressive.

She was doing so well, my beautiful sister. She had had a tough life, and had moved to be in a better place. She wanted kids. She was using her strength to make good judgments, and then God said, “Sorry, it’s time for you to go. It’ll seem like an extra-ironic-and-cruel joke!”

God wouldn’t say that. And I really do feel like how would/could a God ‘allow’ something like this to happen. The religion I was raised in talks about how sometimes God permits things to happen- there is a hierarchy, with good will (meaning, like, His blessing basically), and then there’s the lowest.

But this is beyond low.

Not even each day or hour, but rather each minute that goes by, I realize more and more that this did happen, and that my life will be forever affected. Time will not heal all wounds, because you never get over losing a sibling you’re close to, not so young, not so unexpectedly. I know it may will get easier. But it just sickens and saddens me so.

Nothing can make this pain go away, so I guess I will have to write that book. And maybe I’ll blog a little too. It’s ok if it’s depressing, maybe I can add a section to my blog on death in the family. I don’t want to take anti-depressants, but at the same time, who knows. I don’t know how strong my abilities are, with such overpowering dismalitude.

double yew tee efffffffffffffff.

At least I still make up words sometimes. Just not a good day today, or recently. Not good days.

Interesting, I just saw this commercial for the first time (don’t watch a lot of TV, hence the fact that this came out Fall 2010 and I hadn’t heard or seen it yet), and I heard that uniquely gorgeous voice I could recognize anytime:

It was for an H&M commercial, and Erykah Badu is covering this Muddy Waters’ blues song “Mannish Boy”.

The songs ‘aight, Erykah’s great, I’ve been missin’ listenin’ to her. Now I’ll go research what she’s been up to.

Almost every Sunday of my life (basically any Sunday that I had school the next day, or, as a teacher, that I had/have to teach the next day), is spent in a whirlpool of anxiety and denial. I read another teacher’s comment somewhere on the internets like that, that they spend Sunday half-anxious, half-in-denial about getting ready for the next school day. I try to keep complaining about my job to a minimum on this, or any other public site, as I could get fired for it, right?! Well, it’s not even so much that I “hate teaching” (because I don’t), or that I “don’t like my job” (because I do), but, it’s just a cycle I have.

My new teaching job is much better than my last one, it’s closer to my house, starts later, and there’s a lot less pressure/workload…actually it might not be much less work, it just feels that way. It’s also because it’s a fresh start. I don’t know how I got so swamped (literally) in anxiety and paperwork at my last job, but once it started piling up, instead of getting better at organizing, I got farther and farther behind, and just moved piles around and created and separated new ones as I went along.

I was just saying how I still feel anxious about the old job, even though it’s over. I feel like I made a mess of things. I feel I did a bad job. But I didn’t. I know I didn’t. The woman who came back said she had heard horror stories and the job I did was far from those (though the binders were not as organized as I would have liked!). But I did a good job, and it’s only my incessant perfectionism and warped thinking that makes me reminisce negatively.

See this post about “head bullies” and depression to learn about how one person was affected by distorted thinking. Virtually everyone, though, is affected by distorted thinking. Certainly in one way or another we’re all “off” about something. That’s because we are living our lives through a filter that our minds and thought patterns have created. And, as we get older, the patterns tend to get more ingrained. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed a few negative or destructive tendencies I have that time has only aggravated. On the flip-side, I also have some very positive habits and thought-patterns that help me stay strong and help me persevere through tough times.

Anxiety is a monster I’ve been facing for a while. It’s way more common in other people than I’d imagine (I just know it!). Everyone’s a bit insecure, and anxieties will then manifest in different ways. Everyone’s dealing with different things, and life is a rollercoaster and a race quest for balance.

So many times, people are anxious about some event before it happens, and then it’s fine. Or, even if it wasn’t fine, and it did turn out to be a horrible experience, what good did being anxious beforehand do? It only adds to the difficulties that life can present.

Giving up anxiety is much easier said than done. And my Sunday anxiety is particularly interesting, because it happens every week, and no matter when or how much work I do to prepare for school, I always feel I could do more. And, no matter what I do, I still feel anxious even though I know it will be fine- Monday will come, and school will go more or less well.

There are concrete things you can do to alleviate anxiety. Work through situations you’re scared of (positive visualization), tackle projects you’re procrastinating with a plan, step-by-step (you know it’s going to have to be done at some point, so why waste time thinking negatively about it and getting all worked up?!), and breathe.

Anxiety is also an addiction. And therapies like breathing, eating well, exercising, sleeping well, monitoring stress levels, and all that good-easy-no-problem-stuff could potentially banish it from your life. From my life? Well, personally, I did work out twice in the past week, and I immediately noticed a difference in my demeanor and mind-set.

I can write about my anxieties (this is a start, but I need to do some brainstorming/journaling) to help figure out a plan of attack to prevent a panic attack!

On that note, I will go, and prioritize, because, so often, I just let that Anxiety-Monster take over, and procrastinate in clever, but unnecessarily destructive ways (I’ve had so many people try and help me by encouraging me to do work, but it’s just my negative mindset that makes it all seem so much more menacing and daunting).

So I’ve got my anxieties. What are yours?! I have a lot to be thankful for. In fact, my life has changed lately in many positive ways. And, as I get older, I also get better insight into my patterns, thought cycles, and overall well-being (or lack thereof), and I can use that information to remind myself not to attack myself and let head bullies and anxiety monsters take over.

A wise man said to me, “It’s not your situation that needs to change, it’s your mind.” It’s true. No matter what job I have or could potentially have, I would probably be anxious about some aspect of it. So it’s not my job that needs to change, it’s my thinking about it, and tackling process.

And one of the most important things to remember in working toward any real change, is, that it is a constant and ever-present process (not something you can achieve and forget and move on from). It will happen, slowly but surely, if I take the steps. And being nice to myself about my progress (or perceived lack thereof), is a part of it.

So instead of letting the Anxiety Monster eat me alive, I will not feed it so much, and instead of being scared of it, I will have a conversation with it, to see what’s really up!