Category — Lettin' Loose!

I wish for so many things. Am I content doing what I’m doing right now? Writing a blog post? Yes. Actually I am happy that I’m doing that. With other stuff? Well…

I did hang out with a friend this evening and it was fun. Good conversation, some thought-provoking ideas, and optimism was involved. There was also that small voice in the back of my head saying, you need to go home and do your work.

But I am SO BAD at doing my work. Meaning, I spend way more time complaining about it, thinking about it, dreading it, or procrastinating, than actually doing it. And if I really focus, I can usually get my planning/grading done quickly.

Does this need to be a constant struggle for me? I think I am in a place in my life where I do genuinely want some more peace and security. I know everything changes. I’ve been thrown for some loops in the past year. Really. But I think that this is not a viable long-term future, even if for 2 or 3 more years.

Luckily I got a book that I started reading and like. It’s about people in their 20’s, specifically women, and the challenges they face today. Unfortunately, I ordered the book from an Amazon seller and it smells smokey, and I do not like that at all.

So I will wait for it to air out a bit, and maybe actually do my work for the evening, after this ever-important blog, and then get some good rest. Because sleep brings tomorrow more quickly, and tomorrow means I am one day closer to Christmas vacation.

I wish for patience, prosperity, and positivity in the present.

It’s a constant choice you make, and remake. It’s something that involves your awareness, and your determination. And after a while, it becomes easy to believe the glass is half-full.

Until it gets knocked over, spilled on the carpet, and the glass breaks.

It’s then that you must remind yourself to look on the bright side:
you didn’t like the glass anyway? you needed a good carpet cleaning? you’re not paying enough attention to something important?

Whatever the case, it’s way to easy to get complacent, and think that you’re set, and forget that you do still have to make choices all the time.

Yes, with time, and repetition, things get easier. But. It’s easy to slip and fall into a pit of despair.

Life is 90% how much you laugh realistically at yourself and 10% not paying attention to statistics.

You can quote me on that.

breakups are pathetic. but why would i broadcast that? i will, and i’ll tell you why.

a) rarely does a person read this blog (prove me wrong, people!)

b) pretty much anyone who has a heart has gone through some heartbreak, be it big or small.

long-term relationship breakups suck, and in your mid-20’s, you usually have created a whole lifestyle with a person. they are your boyfriend/girlfriend, and your best friend.

and for me, most of my friends are married or dating someone seriously.

i guess i have to hang out with single friends, and make an effort to indeed spend time with other friends too. biggest goals:

1) See people- spend time with them

2) Do things- keep my mind occupied

if i succeed in these things, then i will achieve number 3

3) Not Ex-Boyfriend- thinking about and/or anything else about will no longer be an issue

i usually do a good job of not getting too into my personal life, but, it’s all i have to think about right now. and i have already put some good spins on things, it will be a good chance for all the #1 & #2’s i’ve been neglecting or making excuses about.

and everything happens for a reason. and it will get easier. and so on and on.

but it hurts, and it gets me emotional. which brings me to the title of this post. due to the circumstances, and having to readjust to what i’m going to do/who i’m going to spend time with or not, etcetera…

i feel pathetic.

pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. i’ll do a little of both, most likely. and pain is a reminder to live in the present. and blog!

Wouldn’t it be great if I were writing a post relating to that title?

Were I to do so, I’d only be recycling what many other people have said, so instead I’ll just take this time to take some time to rant and rave.

It is funny the way we might talk to someone and then go check out their facebook profile, or add them so we can do so.

I did have someone admit to FB stalking me (she was a girl who is an acquaintance), and I definitely am a culprit of this too. I know way more about people than they might think. Or do they not think that?

Whatever you put out there, people will find. Sometimes the right people, sometimes just people. Random people. Whatever. I get so flabbergasted by life, on the regular, that I go through binges of updating heavily to not, or fluctuate between trying to reserve some privacy and intimacy, and not.

I have emotions, and I share them on social networking sites. I tried to recently share that I’m now “single”, but it didn’t show up in the news feed. So now where does it go? Off into lost space and time, and only people who really want to know about me might perchance see that in my “information” it says that I’m single.

In conclusion, and not necessarily rightfully so, SN has changed our lives. And you can put on a pretty face on facebook, but everyone knows what it’s like in real life too. It definitely compounds the complexities of interactions, and who knows about pokes!, but I think it’s good overall. Because, let’s face it, it’s entertainment.

It’s when you find it boring that you know you’ve got a problem, and that you need to get back out there, into the world, and actually interact with these people.

Happy Thanksgiving, folks!

Love. Over. Gone. Lost. Why. Heart. Power. Disbelief. Rage. Upset. Crying. Overwhelming. Hatred. Anger. Sadness. Agony. Anxiety. Anguish.

Too much. Too soon. Cheesy grossness. Profound melancholy.

Buckets of tears. Mountains of emotions.

Wanting to move on. This will take forever.

I don’t have the time, (nor the energy). Poetry is not for me.

Et cetera. Breakups are the worst, especially when they are from hella long-term relationships.

Everyone is doing this “What are you thankful for” thing on facebook for their status updates. The weird thing to me was that when it started going around, it said something like “it’ll get harder as you go along”. This is only for less than a month people are doing it. I believe that once you actively start being thankful for things, you find more and more to be thankful for.

I’m so thankful to be capable of running this half-marathon (we’ll see how well I do after tomorrow early in the morn!). I’m also thankful for being able to have the time to train for it (though I didn’t train as much as I’d wanted, I did a good job nonetheless). I’m thankful for motivation, inspiration, determination, and this goal. Thankful to my mother for her good example (she is over 50 and ran 50 miles recently!)

So much has happened in my life since I signed up to run the 1/2 marathon. Many difficult things (the most difficult was the diagnosis of my father with stage IV lung cancer) including a few funerals and some personal tough times. But, that said, the running has made me happier through it. It’s gotten me out of many a depressing day’s funk. And it’s made me feel better about myself. All of the stuff they say about it is true. And yes, it was rough at times, and it is tough on your body, but it’s wonderful.

I enjoyed picking up my race packet (I’m thankful that my mom and I figured that out this morning instead of forgetting to do that and showing up and not being able to race!!!), and I’m thankful to my good friend who went down there with me.

I could go on and on being thankful, also for the recent good news that my dad’s CT scan showed significant shrinkage in the cancerous nodules (woohoo!), but I need to get things in order and go to bed.

I just wanted to share how much I’m grateful for (thankful for a nice family dinner tonight), and how excited I am to be here, night before race day. I’m not too nervous, a little worried about getting to bed at a decent hour, but I’ma settle down to a nice movie and drink some sleepy tea.

Woohoo…it’s almost Thanksgiving. Did I forget to mention I’m very thankful that I’ll have a few days off of school soon?!?!?

I’m so proud of myself. I ran 12 miles today. I was planning something over 10, like 11, in preparation for my 1/2 marathon in LESS THAN TWO WEEKS!

And once I go over 9 miles, it started hurting. I’d run a 10-mile race back in the day and didn’t train over that (so 10 was my tops). I’d run 9 miles recently, but by 9 miles today I had some knee pain and my ankles started to hurt.

After 10 miles, even though I had toe blisters, and my ankles and knees hurt, it was nice out, and I felt great, having caught a 3rd wind of sorts, and I kept going. I knew I’d have to go far out so I wasn’t tempted to just stop and go home, and I didn’t even look at my Garmin, just enjoyed the music, and pushed myself to finish.

At times it felt other-worldly, but it wasn’t that bad. And now I’m over that mental hurdle (10+ miles). Yay.

I’m so happy. I stretched a lot, and it may hurt tomorrow, but I am so proud. It feels good.

Let’s hope I keep running every other day, and do one more long-ish one, before the race, and I should be all set !

i know life isn’t good when i’m not even that excited about the weekend when it comes because i know i’ll have to be doing work again so soon. that’s happened way too much in this last year and a half. too many weekends barely even enjoyed.

there’s just too much to do, and too many unanswered questions. or rather, like a quote i saw, the problem is that there are too many answers! a lot of possibilities, which is great.

and that should be that. but there will always be ups and downs, no matter who you are or what you do. for me, it’s a matter of figuring out what’s most important to me. jobby, relationships. it’s not that simple, though.

maybe i need to hire an organizer for a few hours. or get career counseling? reflect?

ugh…all i know is, it’s still not a dress rehearsal, and i do need to take action. i need to come up with a plan. maybe get a life coach?

i want to be a life coach, but maybe i need some first.

good times. excuses need to go.

I suppose a blog is not the ideal place to share your most intimate information, but it depends on the information. Sometimes it is a good venue. And if you have an anonymous blog, that’d be all the better. Or would it? I’m conducting some informal experiments in this arena. We’ll see.

It seems like my emotional knob is turned up to 22, which is way past the 10 that comes on most humans. I know other people can relate, but when it hurts so bad….why does it feel this way? That is an Erykah Badu quote.

I hope I can find a balance. I’m having some pretty tough stuff to deal with, not just the regular stuff, but relationship-wise, and, well, it is all connected.

Let’s repeat this mantra:

“Everything will be OK”

Everything happens for a reason, right? I definitely believe so. Doesn’t make it any easier, though.

Here is a combination of a life update, and more insight into who I am.

Now:
-I have remnants of a cold with some phlegm and I really don’t like it. I know I need to keep hydrating and taking my vitamins, and I want to eat healthier to boost my immune system from within.

-I have trouble dealing with all the tough stuff going on in my life. My good friend says that everyone always has a lot going on. I definitely have some real challenges, including my father having cancer, that make it hard to be balanced. Every day is different, and my emotions go up and down, and it has been rough. Very tough at times. There are small good things, and I want to make the most of my time with him, and other family and friends.

-I’m very busy. And some of that is my choice because of my small hobbies, and some of it is due to procrastination and not maximizing my efficiency with use of time. I also don’t care some days. Other days I beat myself up over it. At least I am being more accepting, and more realistic about what I can do, and when I need to stop and relax.

Always:
-I want to buy stuff. I fall victim to the culture of consumerism. But I am working on balancing the urge, with being realistic, and not spending too much (and not complete deprivation)

-I love watching most shows on HGTV. I can’t wait to have a house, and yes, it would be nice to have a partner to share it with, but someday, I want to have a house, and I like to watch home shows- it’s aesthetic and fun.

-I’m constantly reevaluating what I think about life. I am open to change, and I mean, really open. I do have some set ideas and values and goals, but you never know. Things change sooo much, and I am getting to a place where I feel more solid on my own, no matter what the weather.

-Want more holistic. Want to buy all this stuff, like bamboo clothing and sheets, and use all-natural products, and eat organic and well, but it’s expensive! So I have to balance things, and make some choices for now about cost vs. long-term health savings. I want more less stress too, and better management of the things I have to deal with. I’m taking some measures there, but I could do more. That’s also a little too personal for me to talk about.

-Want to blog more. Will do so, when I can.