Category — Lettin’ Loose!

i’ve got it. it’s the 11-12 hour workdays, and the uncertainty of the future, combined with a number of other things. like not having much to do/not knowing where i’m going (if anywhere) for christmas. and i work up until december 24th.

that might be the most depressing thing. and i kinda hate it. and. my birthday is some point around this time and i’m sad i have to work for it.

guess it’s part of being a 20something. suck. my attitude could use a makeover. but i’m surprised at the extent to which i’ve been affected.

i’m sure the 4-5 hour a night sleep average is causing much of the issue. and it’s work/school/stress-related. and yet i cannot stop the cycle. even when i “just do my work”, there still seems to be more and more.

i might up and leave EVERYTHING and head to a spanish-speaking island, so i can disappear, and learn spanish.

good idea.

By the same token that I just said something about being upset about school, I am also perpetuating my problems by complaining and thinking negative thoughts. Combine that with the highs-and-lows of overt-sugar-intake/blood-sugar-level-issues and you get some depression. At least, I do.

Maybe it also has to do with someone telling me I’m creating these problems, and then me getting upset at them, but mostly getting upset because I’m doubly getting upset with myself, so trippley all together. Mmm I could go for a trippley beer right now.

I realized the irony in my needing so badly to get rid of clutter, both internal and external, with the constant desire to get more and do more stuff. So I can achieve! So I can alieve(iate) myself from this tired existence.

I know no job is perfect, and I think that, even in the unlikely event that I did find A) another job, and B) (less likely), an even better job, my imperfections would still haunt me. That old “human experience” and some of the necessary suffering of existence that goes with it, would come along.

I have to remember that token of gem-dom.

Now back to work, I’m doing such a good job, and have so few days left until it all basically starts again too quickly, with the illusion of me maybe being able to get a handle on it. Day by day. For real. And the good job I’m doing is not enough, or maybe that’s just my perception. A little of both.

Good evening, dear readers, why can’t I make a blog more like Julie from “Julie and Julia”. Well…I’d have to do less rambling and more specifically interesting stuff. If I won the lottery, I would indeed blog. I promise!

I’m pretty tired. I recently drank an americano. Shouldn’t be falling asleep. Maybe it was the beer I drank at lunch. Maybe it is the boring grading I’m doing. Probably a bit of that. Or the sugar. Eating a lot of sugar makes me tired, a weird special-in-a-bad-way type of tired. Sure, the time changed, but I got enough sleep.

I’m tired of teaching. I don’t know if it’s for me. I like it sometimes, but honestly, the majority of the time, I have more trouble with it/negative thoughts and feelings, and that’s hard. It’s hard to put in so much time too. And I do spend a fair amount of time just worrying about it, or thinking negatively, and that adds to the overwhelming-ness of it.

I don’t know. I won’t even have this job for forever, but I feel like I can’t make it! At least we do get a day off this week.

Other than that, life is pretty good. I have a great guy, and I love my fam (can’t wait to go see them for Thanksgiving). I have friends, and nature. I DJ-ed a wedding recently (did I mention that?) and that was awesome.

I think I’m just more creative than I’m using right now. Ugh. I don’t know. I guess it’ll be okay, takin’ it day by day. It’s rough, though. On the bright side of things, at least the time change means it’ll feel more like 6:30 or 7am that I’m getting up at (instead of 4:30am like I thought at one point!)

…is a lot more similar than they think.

i think.

blogging is better than twittering…

I love love love Taio Cruz’ song “Dynamite”. It will forever bring up a joyful feeling in my heart, as I think back on the night o my brother’s recent wedding, which was such a beautiful success. Having a dysfunctional family :p (like every family), but with some special cases, I think we all wondered at one point or another if everyone could get out there (it was in the South), and get over the differences/this-and-that…and they did!

It was amazing. Everyone was there, and EVERYONE had a great time. Having a photobooth is one way to basically guarantee there will be good times. My nieces and lil siblings went in there like 20-some times! It also bonded many of us.

I’m also feeling like Dynamite right now, because I have changed my life situation. I have this new job, and it’s kept me so busy that I cannot do anything else (like blog). I miss having my Summer time

But I am going to have the whole semester instead of just the first marking period. I was debating it all week, but, especially given the economy- I gotta tough this out. Believe you me- it has been a rough September. Have I mentioned I get up before 6am every day? (And never go to bed early enough).

In high school I wouldn’t speak in the morning, until several hours after I woke up.

I’m not a morning person.

Am I a teaching person?

We’ll see. I have to keep givin’ it a shot.

I do love some of these kids already, and, it is a job. A 10-12 hour at school a day job plus more planning and grading at night. But, I think there will be a breaking point, at some point. I’m hoping at least!

Well, like that guy says “I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying AY-OH Gotta let go. I wanna celebrate and live my life,” etc…love it.

Day by day. I have been doing a pretty good job of living like that Thank the LORD!

Do you have the August Complaint? This has been one of the hardest August’s of my life. I have 2 very significant positive things- my dad’s cancer has improved so much, and it is looking really good right now- miraculously but not without a good attitude and healthy lifestyle; and; my brother’s wedding is coming up. That’s 2 big wonderful family things.

And then there’s the August Complaint. It’s not just an old-wive’s tale about bodily function.

I lost a cousin to suicide, and left behind him is one of my childhood friends and their three children. That alone is a huge toughy. And then there is other stuff, some of which I’m not comfortable personally disclosing, and there’s a young girl who got brain cancer in my community, and it just all plain SUCKS. So much. A big pile of poo. Explosive diarrhea suck.

That’s what the August Complaint started out as, a civilized way to say that you’re likely to get diarrhea in August. But, alas, it’s turned out to be a metaphor for this month of trying times. I am optimistic, and I have a lot to be thankful for, but part of me wonders if life isn’t playing a cruel trick on my mind and the minds of others close to me.

A good friend said something like this, “I still believe there is a God, but that’s about it.” It’s not that there’s nothing to work towards, or to be happy about and/or proud of, it’s just that D$%N these are some difficult times to live in in this society. I think.

I’m not sure. I’m not even experiencing any sort of normal going-back-to-teaching/school anxiety-depression combination. I’m just sort of bewildered.

And that’s my August Complaint.

have things changed so much? i think they have. the way i view myself and my life has drastically changed. and i made a big career move. so that there is enough to constitute a big amount of change.

then i have certain doubts. but really i think the doubts come from routine patterns. and my patterns have changed. like, self-doubt, or loathing, or insecurity, on that level, in that way, things have changed.

i am more confident, i’m at a more secure level of existence, for a number of reasons somewhat too lengthy to sufficiently cover (and not to mention i couldn’t and wouldn’t)…but, really, i am happy.

i have changed quite a bit. do i know for sure, all the things i want and need in this world? in a word, no.

have they changed? yes. have i? certainly. have i figured it all out? no one EVER will.

Watch this video from a genius of sorts! ashfordaisyak – check out other videos on youtube if you like it!

In the Summer I find myself susceptible to a lot of time-wasting, and a lot of random treasure finding.

It makes me enjoy life more, all the random humor, so long as I don’t spend too long wasting time. Facebook is the real culprit for that.

Well, that, or, the Hills.

I admit it…I’ve watched all too many an episode of the Hills, whereas before I hardly had ever seen them on the telly. Ugh. What can you do? Everyone’s got embarrassing little secrets.

Who knows how we arrive to conclusions, or to certain spots, even corners, in our lives?!

I’ll leave you with this thought- the Onion is funny for so many reasons.

I am in shock, pleasant disbelief, and even a little outraged at the fact that it is Summer for me! Finally!! I am just, so, unbelievably, excited!!!

A lot has happened recently. And a lot will happen. This will be the best Summer ever!!! So excited!!!!

(Great post, I know)

To add to the excitement of this post, I’ll put up some goals I’ve developed for my Summer.

1) Juice at least once a week. Got an Omega something something awesome juicer. Ideally I’d say every other day, but I know that’s a) expensive, and b) time-consuming. So I’ll say once a week and solidly go for that, to start.

2) Run at least once a week. And come up with some sort of motivation! Last year I decided to do (and start training for) a 1/2 marathon. That forced me to run pretty good all Summer. I need something like that, but not to that extent. I am lucky to enjoy running, but haven’t been doing it much at all, and hotness demotivates me.

3) Blog at least once a week. There we go. That’s some good motivation to get this place back up and running. I have a lot to say, to share, to show. So, let’s get this show on the road.

4) Pay off debt to get toward Savings! This is a great one. The first step is some sort of budgeting which I have yet to ever do. I’m scared to see the obvious (I spend/have debt for more than I make). At least, that’s what it seems. And I’m moving into a position where I can have hope- if I focus, figure out, and finish. So that’s a great goal. I will update you on progress with honest blogs.

I’ll let you know about all of this as the Summer progresses. If I forget, remind me, oh loyal readers!

Sounds like chang-a-lang-chang-chang-a-lang-chong from Badu’s “Southern Gul” song. Has to do with the change(s) in my life. They’re exciting. I can definitely already say I feel really different, more and more so. Let me get into some specifics. I’m enjoying substituting at a great public school. Yes, it’s a little difficult, because it’s the end of the year, and the grading is intimidating, but it’s a great experience, and the whole throwing-myself-in-head-first, has been good for my letting-go-of-perfectionism-in-my-ego type experience.

I’m very excited for making this money, and then getting to enjoy me some Summer. However, in the meantime, I will enjoy my life, as much as I can, getting up around 6am every day! (Who can believe that?!)

Things could be changing soon, I don’t know. They are going to. They definitely are/have been.

I am excited for life. Very, very happy to know more about myself all the time. The most important part is givin’ it up to God!