That said, I can work tomorrow and just get it done, then for the weekend work I can isolate that to one particular time or area (and maybe I’ll go back home Sunday and do it then). I’ve already made some decisions though. I am so happy and so grateful to be here, to be offered such a beautiful home/view/area, with wonderful company, and a delicious meal that makes me excited to see what else we’ll enjoy gastronomically, and did I say it’s wonderful already?!

1) I am not going to feed my Words with Friends addiction. Furthermore, W.W.F. is tied to facebook, that guy, and while I did sign on to post my brag-update, I will not go on for the rest of the time. (Well, if I can help it, and I am pretty good about discipline while not in my usual homestead environment).

2) That last part leads me to remember that I spend way too much time, inside, in my apartment, and even just sitting at my computer, for FAR too long. Need to remember to do less of that. No, me not blogging is not because I have not been wasting lots of time on the computer. I definitely have been doing that.

3) It is so nice to get away. I had a rough last year. Like, most of 2011 was AWFUL. And no, I’m not an over-exaggerator. Just check my posts out from last year. You’ll see. Any time I’ve traveled recently has been for awful, terrible things.

4) I just thought that I was hearing noises, in this foreign house, and thinking “Uh oh, maybe it’s a ghost, been having a lot of dreams/thoughts about ghosts lately.” But I think they mentioned little creatures. It is a farm. That’s funny. The creatures want to know what I’m up to. I’m not too scared of say, mice, but, if they crawl on me, well, let’s just say I don’t care for that.

5) I’m excited to relax, breathe nature, walk around, and possibly write a lot. Read and/or write. I’ve already done that, in renewing my vigor for posting (although the writing I really want to do will not be on the computy, for now), and I actually got read to! This couple trades off reading aloud to each other, and we were reading a fascinating book, more on that later. BOOM EDIT UPDATE (i.e. the more on that later prelude…may never get into the book, but, I will now provide info) It is called “Deep Nutrition” by Catherine and Luke Shanahan. Very interesting nutritional info and ideas, basically reminding us of how bad the “American” diet is.

In short (oh, wait, of course, I’m me, super wordy already and super long winded), I am VERY excited to be away on a vacation, and I did make a point to come earlier (before the weekend), so I can have a good amount of time to really spend, get comfy, and thank my lucky stars (will probably see lots of stars) that all this exists.

I am so fortunate. I am so happy I finally did this too. Always worse to beat yourself up about stuff you don’t do, because it doesn’t help you do it faster (at least not for me). Planning. Yippee.

I basically got a girl’s number. But I’m a girl. So. I’m more excited about the mental/philosophical possibilities that lie therein.

But they can. I tried to do some proper research on the amount of time spent on the internet, but, a recent silly report is pervading the internet with lies and fear:

Social Networking Increases Risk of Teen Drug Abuse

Favorite quotes from that fear-mongering article: “But for this same age bracket, social-network-savvy teens are five times more likely to use tobacco; three times more likely to use alcohol; and twice as likely to use marijuana than teens who do not spend any of their day on social networking sites.” -and- “The results are profoundly troubling … the anything goes, free-for-all world of Internet expression, suggestive television programing and what-the-hell attitudes put teens at sharply increased risk of substance abuse,” [said some "important" guy].

This side-tracked me from my timeless, pointless blog post, and got me interested in this stupid idea that pervaded the majority of each of the first few google page results I could tolerate looking through.

Increased time spent social networking is not the cause of increased drug/alcohol use. Society today is. These kids’ parents (many of which are just ridiculous grown children) are a big part of the problem- how are they making efforts to better raise their kids? Maybe we can even blame the economy- it’s at fault for nearly everything. And so maybe these parents themselves are on prescription drugs and the somewhat-socially-acceptable alcohol train to destruction town! Drowning their sorrows because they can’t find work, or hate their jobs, or are afraid of losing them, or hate their entire lives!

WOH, WHAT AM I SAYING?! WHERE IS THIS GOING? THESE ARE RANTINGS AND RAVINGS WITH NO SOLID STATISTICS. People want, need, believe in, and exemplify statistics. So a “study” says kids who spend more time online are more likely to do a line? Well, then, let’s get them off of facebook!

Ironically I am totally veering away from my original intentions (about the degrading quality (and frequency) of social interactions due to social networking and being online), and making this a hodge-podge-mcdodge.

The only good result obtained in my extensive research was this link: A moronic survey says social networks will cause teens to do drugs

A Moronic Survey Says Social Networks Will Cause Teens to do Drugs

They make so many good points:

1) Most kids go online and use s.n.’s, so you’re really making a pointless comparison between random kids in this crappy study.
2) One of the National Drug Whatever Waste of Money Study Company’s main points is that kids are seeing other kids drunk, high, smoking, or whatever, on these sites, and are likely to then do that?

No. Kids are doing that. And the problem is they are posting it online and then everyone’s commenting on it. Same thing with sexually (morally) degrading pictures, emphasizing looks and body features, and sharing superficial sectors of their lives.

Oh wait, where are kids getting the examples for that? (Think media in America. Think political scandals…wait, kids don’t care about those. But! They do hear about them more and more.)

So maybe I made some loony points myself, in a completely scatterbrained order. My main points are these: Society is #$%ed and a lot of Americans are becoming more and more like the movie Idiocracy.

I guess part of my rant/rave comes from being bewildered by kids these days, from middle-to-high-school age, trying to teach them, and being up against a huge amount of forces working against me (of course the education system is a big part of the problem as it pretty much always will be, but there are so many parenting issues and technology addictions and intelligence gaps, oh dear, here comes the anxiety).

What can I do? I guess I will temporarily quit facebook. And I may not go back to teaching anytime soon. But I can tutor kids. I could make videos to help them (one that makes it viral would be best). I can hold off on pro-creating until I am certain that me and my partner are ready to climb the mountain of raising a child with awareness in today’s world…a balancing act for sure.

I guess, to end on a positive note, I’m secretly really hoping the world does end, at the end of 2012.

I want you to think about that. Think about yourself- how great you are, how weird you are, how terrible a person you can (or occasionally perceive yourself) to be (in a still decent way hopefully), how insecure you are, how wonderful and vibrant you are and/or can be?!

We’re all humans. And we all view the world so differently. And most of us just desperately want to be loved, esteemed, reassured, and mostly snoogled. Everyone loves a good snoog.

Go out there and hug your fellow people, or, if that sounds outlandish, at least make the effort to actually give a stranger a compliment you thought in your head. Or do a random act of kindness. Do it! It’s awesome.

CHARITY – it’s where it’s at.

And if you don’t really get what I’m talking about, I am talking about you, UBUNTU.

For further information, appreciate.

Because I bet most of you, like myself, need to be nicer to yourself and easier on yourself. Most, I say.

so the meteor shower went alright. interestingly enough, as soon as i decided to bundle up and go outside (after stepping out and back in because it was WAY too cold), i immediately saw one big shooting star, followed quickly enough by another that i hadn’t even settled in to my blankets and stuff.

and then after that, it took a while. so i like to think it was a sign from my two beloved ones who recently passed on. i don’t know. i mean, it’s sort of a stretch, but, it’s also not. i was surprised by how few (in comparison and in frequency) i saw over the next hour (as compared to that first 20 seconds)…maybe i should have called it a day after that. ha.

i am fighting off a cold, which, i have done a good job of until recently. i didn’t get sick last year, which is surprising given the huge amount of stress(ors) i went through. i do think a lot of sickness has to do with preventable stuff, and some of it is indeed your thinking. more on that as this year progresses. the power of thought as a catalyst for change!

and then, the most exciting part of today, was my reading i got over the phone with an intuitive. but. that was so exciting, it needs a whole post. a well-thought out, well-written post. one with direction. which is what i’m getting toward. i am pretty excited about this.

then it was business as usual (admittedly, a lot of mismanagement of time bordering on time wasting), and now, i’m about to watch a great netflix video. and probably eat a ton of crap, in a cycle of feeling bad/sad, eating sugar and junk, and then feeling worse, and so on and so forth. it’s emotional eating at its finest. but, whatever. i’m also moving in the direction of working out more.

and maybe giving up sugar?!

signing off, another discombobulated post,
love,
-amandoo

(p.s. i intend to soon be posting more and putting more into each post, and instead of putting these posts under the category of lettin’ loose i can have more diversity. or my “daily” post will be under lettin’ loose and the other posts will be in my new, exciting categories to come!)

(If you haven’t seen the whole movie, you should, and if you have, re-watch it- it is sooo full of gems!)

I title this post, the 2nd of the year, as such, because I was overwhelmed today with the amount of activities (things) I could do, and even possibilities for this blogging idea. I am always interested in a ton of things (think reading several books at once, getting into a whole slew of different hobbies/crafts/sports/networking/even jobs!), and often leave them unfinished. If I resolve to blog every day, well, I guess I most likely could, but, I’m not gonna beat myself up. Instead, I will focus.

-Decide what to focus on in this blog
-The blog each day could be for my other sites (have a few others, educationally related and such)
-Develop a habit of blogging (Zen Habits does a good job discussing why it’s better to opt for choosing “habits” over making resolutions)
-Optimize my time and utilities and make something of this and my other sites…combining all the stuff I have laying around as well as bookmarked online

Well, that could lead to a LOT of activities. I have some usual resolutions, but, I am being easy on myself. Focus on just one thing. Will that thing be blogging? Possibly.

I’m also going to be nicer to myself, while pushing myself appropriately. Know my limits, and push myself toward them, but don’t beat myself up…instead, be very encouraging and reinforcing.

So I did some dishes, cleaned, worked a little, and took care of a few other daily-living-activities…wasn’t too exciting, but I’m blogging about it, and that’s exciting to be upholding my resolution.

Not really. I’m more excited about what’s to keep coming. But it is necessary to do the dishes, as they say. And, tonight I’ll work out (bonus) and take out the trash! YOU KNOW IT!

At first it was really hard. Immensely difficult. But I’ve learned a few things. I’ll talk about them in another post, but, knowing that I’ll have the rest of my life to grieve/deal with this, I cannot always be bad. I chose not to go the way of abysmal depression and despair, and to let my emotions come and go as necessary, to be honest with myself, and occasionally with those around me

But I find a lot of things in life have to do with your attitude. And that’s been said many times before, but it’s always good to have a reminder, as lasting change takes consistent effort. And I’d like to share this as perhaps someone searching for grief will come across it, and feel some resonance with what I’m saying. No, I’m not anywhere near “getting over it” or “moving on” (which I read one author said it seems that society gives you sympathy and allows grieving for about 6 weeks). I still think about her several times a day, cry almost daily, and occasionally have a memory or something that gives me the urge to cry and I don’t if I’m in public or whatever. But I debated taking anti-depressants, and decided not to as they a) would certainly give me crazy side effects (especially because of my point of view on prescription medications), and b) they would only mask the feelings/pain temporarily, and may even make it difficult to feel appropriate responses to whatever situation I’m in. I was only considering them if I had gotten into an unreasonable amount of depression, and as the weeks have gone by (soon it will be two months), I feel better more and more of the time.

Back to the attitude thing. I do believe in the law of attraction. My life has taken quite a few different turns recently, and some major changes have happened (other than my sister’s death). I could easily, and justifiably, say I’m doing horribly, and complain or, more appropriately, be grumpy. But I find myself happy, or in a positive mental state, a surprising amount of the time.

And I have another job potential that I’m REALLY excited about. I’m glad not to be teaching because I couldn’t imagine being “on” all the time, plus the grading and planning in the evenings. It is also summer. Who knows, I will probably go back to teaching at some point, but for now I want to try out jobs that give me more freedom, and see if I can do more with my creative interests.

In having a good attitude, I don’t waste as much time, I feel better (and it’s a positive cycle), and sometimes I just feel that my sister is looking down on me, wishing me well and hoping that I am happy. And laughing. We always made each other laugh, a lot.

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” -Shakespeare

That guy knew what he was talking about!

So I was going through old letters from her, and again scouring my massive database of pics and videos, and whenever I come across a video of her, it produces the weirdest reactions. (Not that weird, probably totally normal, but I just mean weird in the sense of how can I really believe that she is no longer alive and stuff…) Yeah, seeing her in videos is weird.

Maybe I’ll get you a vid, but right now I can’t unless it’s on youtube. It’s all a huge blur of blubber- tears.

Actually I don’t think I cried once today about it, or maybe a few tearings-ups, the floody days were exhausting, yet, I’m sure there will be more to come.

I’m trying to get around to saying I was going through stuff, then was like “Oh, yeah. The internet could possibly help me!” So I googled: “Death of a Sibling“. Then I read one page, liked a whole lot of it, and got distracted, writing my two “bereaved” siblings a long email, and then decided to blog.

This blog post is ALL over the place. Blogging will be good. With the help of a friend, I decided to come up with ~10 things I like to do, and to do between 3-5 of them a day. Blogging is definitely one of them!

But here is that first link I found: Words of Wisdom for Those Who Have Lost a Sibling

I liked it. It’s a page made by some guy, with a few different sections. Anniversary reactions (the pain coming up on the anniversary of their death or birth, and other times) will indeed happen and be difficult, sometimes decades later. Right now, we’re talking days and week anniversaries. I know I have thought of them. I like the tip of simply being aware of the dates can help lessen the pain or symptoms that may come up (if you weren’t aware).

The Lost Relationship section just lists a bunch of different factors- what was the relationship like? circumstances of death? (She passed suddenly, unexpectedly, and wrongly- in a car crash that wasn’t her fault). A bunch of other things that may change how the grief goes. There are indeed some other factors I may get into in blogging or private writing moreso.
The Importance of Self-Care. I was reading this, and thought that was the end of the page, and decided to help care for myself, I would reach out to my bro and sis, and wrote them an email. I want to include the paragraphs I really liked from this section on processing a sibling loss:

Learn about the process

You can help yourself to heal in other ways too. One is to educate yourself about the process of grief–just being able to give a name to what is happening to you is helpful. As you consider the phases and stages of grief, you don’t have to agree with any particular theory. In fact, you might make up your own theory of grief stages, based on your own experience. Who else is better qualified? Learning about the stages helps you to put your experience into a specific context. This feels better than living with the vague ill-defined “soup” of mixed emotions and thoughts about your loss.

It is also helpful to learn about the lifelong impact of sibling loss, so you can compare and contrast your experience with what has been learned through research. Every time you read about someone else’s experience or the results of research on sibling loss, you have an opportunity to sort out your experience. You say to yourself, “my experience wasn’t like that” or “that’s exactly what I felt.” This process of turning the experience over and over in your mind works somewhat like a rock tumbler–you put in jagged rocks and tumble them until they become smooth. Comparing and contrasting your experience helps you to work it through.

And then it talked about connecting with other bereaved siblings and I really liked their tender words:

“Connecting with others by reading about or sharing experiences is an essential part of your healing. At the moment you learn that your brother or sister is going to die or has died, you begin to form a special place within you to put this experience and keep it away from the rest of your life. This “trauma membrane” keeps others away from your pain and your experience. Other bereaved siblings can often get inside this trauma membrane when no one else can. Once you open this part of yourself to another person whom you trust, healing can begin.”

Especially right now, while the pain, shock, agony, and all the other mixes of emotions and “grief” (I have “grieved” before, but have never lost another sibling, and this is quite traumatic) are so fresh and extensive, it’s nice to be reminded that there are a few people I know and love that could provide me with unique support. And then I’ll continue reading about other’s experiences, and maybe I can share it with them.

My goodness, gracious. My GOD. This is difficult. My mom admitted to me that she has said a traditional prayer each night before going to bed for as long as she can remember, but since my sis died, she has had trouble with it. She and I discussed how the religious beliefs we’ve held explain death and the “hereafter” quite well, so even though there have been other difficult deaths (and especially some recently- read back through my blog if you really cared to know all I’ve been through in the past 2 years!), we’ve never blamed God or said “Why me?!” Now, I have trouble too. Anyway, back to story, I’m wrapping up this poor post pitifully . She said every night since it happened, she’s just said: “I’m mad at you,” or, “I’m still mad at you”.

Cute. Family is great. This @#$% is weird. I’ll tell you that much. I never could have predicted this is what I’d be doing. I thought things were going to be great, 6 weeks ago I was so optimistic I could have a great new, wondrous life. And now all I’m having is a woundrous life. Get it?

Alright, well, we’ll see what happens. I’ll let you know about my internet searching (though it’s really past my bedtime, so maybe I’ll just take care of myself and get to bed), as I’m sure there are hours and hours and thousands and thousands of pages and links and tidbits and message boards and book and other recommendations on how to deal with it. But that did help me tonight, when I was alone, and feeling so lost and alone about this.

I love you, internet. I’m going to be writing on your webpages a lot since I didn’t recently get raptured.

My new teaching job is much better than my last one, it’s closer to my house, starts later, and there’s a lot less pressure/workload…actually it might not be much less work, it just feels that way. It’s also because it’s a fresh start. I don’t know how I got so swamped (literally) in anxiety and paperwork at my last job, but once it started piling up, instead of getting better at organizing, I got farther and farther behind, and just moved piles around and created and separated new ones as I went along.

I was just saying how I still feel anxious about the old job, even though it’s over. I feel like I made a mess of things. I feel I did a bad job. But I didn’t. I know I didn’t. The woman who came back said she had heard horror stories and the job I did was far from those (though the binders were not as organized as I would have liked!). But I did a good job, and it’s only my incessant perfectionism and warped thinking that makes me reminisce negatively.

See this post about “head bullies” and depression to learn about how one person was affected by distorted thinking. Virtually everyone, though, is affected by distorted thinking. Certainly in one way or another we’re all “off” about something. That’s because we are living our lives through a filter that our minds and thought patterns have created. And, as we get older, the patterns tend to get more ingrained. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed a few negative or destructive tendencies I have that time has only aggravated. On the flip-side, I also have some very positive habits and thought-patterns that help me stay strong and help me persevere through tough times.

Anxiety is a monster I’ve been facing for a while. It’s way more common in other people than I’d imagine (I just know it!). Everyone’s a bit insecure, and anxieties will then manifest in different ways. Everyone’s dealing with different things, and life is a rollercoaster and a race quest for balance.

So many times, people are anxious about some event before it happens, and then it’s fine. Or, even if it wasn’t fine, and it did turn out to be a horrible experience, what good did being anxious beforehand do? It only adds to the difficulties that life can present.

Giving up anxiety is much easier said than done. And my Sunday anxiety is particularly interesting, because it happens every week, and no matter when or how much work I do to prepare for school, I always feel I could do more. And, no matter what I do, I still feel anxious even though I know it will be fine- Monday will come, and school will go more or less well.

There are concrete things you can do to alleviate anxiety. Work through situations you’re scared of (positive visualization), tackle projects you’re procrastinating with a plan, step-by-step (you know it’s going to have to be done at some point, so why waste time thinking negatively about it and getting all worked up?!), and breathe.

Anxiety is also an addiction. And therapies like breathing, eating well, exercising, sleeping well, monitoring stress levels, and all that good-easy-no-problem-stuff could potentially banish it from your life. From my life? Well, personally, I did work out twice in the past week, and I immediately noticed a difference in my demeanor and mind-set.

I can write about my anxieties (this is a start, but I need to do some brainstorming/journaling) to help figure out a plan of attack to prevent a panic attack!

On that note, I will go, and prioritize, because, so often, I just let that Anxiety-Monster take over, and procrastinate in clever, but unnecessarily destructive ways (I’ve had so many people try and help me by encouraging me to do work, but it’s just my negative mindset that makes it all seem so much more menacing and daunting).

So I’ve got my anxieties. What are yours?! I have a lot to be thankful for. In fact, my life has changed lately in many positive ways. And, as I get older, I also get better insight into my patterns, thought cycles, and overall well-being (or lack thereof), and I can use that information to remind myself not to attack myself and let head bullies and anxiety monsters take over.

A wise man said to me, “It’s not your situation that needs to change, it’s your mind.” It’s true. No matter what job I have or could potentially have, I would probably be anxious about some aspect of it. So it’s not my job that needs to change, it’s my thinking about it, and tackling process.

And one of the most important things to remember in working toward any real change, is, that it is a constant and ever-present process (not something you can achieve and forget and move on from). It will happen, slowly but surely, if I take the steps. And being nice to myself about my progress (or perceived lack thereof), is a part of it.

So instead of letting the Anxiety Monster eat me alive, I will not feed it so much, and instead of being scared of it, I will have a conversation with it, to see what’s really up!

Philadelphia’s Grub Street blog had a great idea – suggesting some places in the city with some beers to help you toast the snow storm and “pray for a snow day”.

I’ve been wasting time, getting increasingly upset (thought for sure it’d be a snow day earlier, then thought least a late start- now not even sure of that!), and starting to do work in preparation for what could be not just a regular day of school, but one with an ugly commute. And that means I have to stay up later doing work, and get up earlier to leave to go to school

Why do I always seem more like a student than a teacher?!

I can’t get into it too much, for obvious reasons (the internet and the tubes), but, I do have one other more promising potential lined up. I’m serving up maternity leaves left and right, maybe that’s my new thing.

Oh, wait, no. It’s not fun. It doesn’t have that ‘job-security’ thing teaching is supposed to, and it means a lot of getting used to things and work only to have to leave and start it all over again.

No thanks. If I’m going to last in the teaching profession, I need to find the right school and stuff. More on this later. Maybe.

For now, everyone in the Philadelphia area, PLEASE PRAY FOR MORE SNOW! :p

**IMPORTANT UPDATE: I did get a snow day!**