Amandoo’s Handle of Realitumtum

remember the other day when i talked about that old woman shooting a robber in her home? it was a premonition for me belatedly finding out why my downstairs neighbors moved out (and finally something interesting for me to say besides getting into the boring details of observing in student teaching)……………ready?!?!?

my neighbor tried to rob a bank!

i definitely knew she was a little crazy. i wasn’t sure who was more crazy, me, or her and her creepy boyfriend, because one day i was scared that they were coming to try to kill me (you see, i had thought that they were beating their dog, which they may have been, so i stomped on the floor, and a little later i heard angry footsteps coming up the stairs and a pounding on the door). but really it was just the peco man coming to turn on our heat.

the only time i heard the neighbors was when they were screaming at each other, making their dog whimper, or blasting the television so loud i couldn’t tell if it was them screaming or people on tv screaming.

and then one day i talk to my roommate and she says they moved out. “no they didn’t”, i say, “i’ve still been hearing them making a racket” i told her.

“no. they moved out two weeks after they moved in. you’re hearing the extensive (re)construction the landlady is getting done.”

i see. so i was happy, elated even! but also perplexed about the trash bags of tuna and crackers and mince meat or whatever else was in there that my roomie said they left for us.

apparently they were truly crazy.

but i didn’t know the extent of it until my cousin told me that the woman’s niece told her that the woman was crazy, tried to rob a local bank, asked for only 5,000 dollars, and put her hand up her shirt pretending it was a gun.

the SWAT team arrived before she could even start to try and get out of the bank.

yes! gotta love a good true story like that. it makes my life feel good. something equally exciting will be revealed on my blog before valentines day (and, no! it has nothing to do with proposals)

Watch this if you have not heard of madness:

Missouri Cop Gone Ballistic Shows Everyone Clearly Where the World, Society, and Cops Have Gone Oh SO WRONG.

Favorite quotes: (the quotes are all too good, I couldn’t put them all for time/length reasons)(keep in mind the arrested says very little to cop and cop keeps picking at him. well. until the tables turn and he realizes he’s on tape)

“I’m gonna ruin your f#$%in night…Do you want to try me tonight young boy? Do you want to go to jail for some f#$%in reason….my experience compared to your young a*s?”

“I show you what a cop does. You understand me?” (the guy is saying nothing to insight him, and even says “no i don’t want [to ‘try you’]”

“Give me some more lip.” And after the guy pulled over says nothing. “Come on boy!” (police officer is purposefully instigating this poor guy- the guy even politely says “I don’t want any problems officer”)

“You want me to lock you up and show you that I’m right and you’re wrong? You want me to show you the f$%^ing law?”

“we have people trying to commit ’suicide’ here” (you mean accidental police brutality deaths?)

“I guarantee you I could come up with nine things [implying: to megalomaniacally make up as reasons for your arrest]”

HE ALSO NOTICES THE GUY HAS A CAMERA, DOES A COMPLETE 180 (realizing, or (shudder) not realizing his irate and inhumane as#iness(more like becomes worried of getting in trouble)) BUT STILL KEEPS BARKING IRRATIONALLY AWFUL PHRASES.

“you failed to comply with my orders…my lawful orders”

“i don’t know what you were doing, but i got it on tape” (oh the retrospective irony pangs Officer Meany will feel!)

“i think i’m just gonna take you to jail”

“you gonna give me an attitude, i’m gonna give you an attitude- a lot harder, okay?”

Cop: “You ever been in trouble before?”
Assault victim: “Yep”
Cop: “Okay. Tell me(muffled?).”
Assault victim: “I was assaulted by a police officer and a Grand Jury dismissed all the charges. And the city of St. Louis paid me not to sue.”
Cop: …”Okay……you have a problem, then. Was it your attitude that night? Probably?”
Assault victim: “No.” (goes on to describe situation sounding similar to the same one occuring, just before getting beat by a police officer)

Least favorite:

poor kid that got pulled over - (in his text description): “I truly thought if I didn’t suck up, I would be beaten and maybe killed.” (people get beaten, on video, all the time, and rarely do the cops get in trouble for their irate cruelty).

I am literally physically ill from the massive volume of videos, personal stories, and reports of RAMPANT CORRUPTION in law enforcement, and the govvuhhhhh mentos.

too many stories. and from people I KNOW. messed up!

hard not to be negative, but the only thing you can do is share knowledge, empowerment through peaceful assertion of personal rights and liberties, and join Downsize D.C..

i know this may seem harsh or not upbeat, but i think people need to know more about this kind of sick thing, and to know their rights, and to talk about it all so we can change it. i get so upset that it’s counterproductive (dwelling and brooding inactively instead of upward and onward)

Keep aware of violations of rights and ‘power’, and spread more knowledge and personal self-empowerment.

once upon a time exactly 18 days and two years ago (8.8.5) one mr. marky and i went for a little adventure. it started off as a simple walk along my hometown streets, and then we decided to take a turn for the exciting by hittin up the local nature trail. the foot wide path was a lot more nature than i had remembered; menacing foliage started invading our personal space. the path eventually disappeared and we were faced head on with something like a jungley swamp, complete with water buffalo and a couple o blades……..of grass. it was crazy. the foliage overtook our viewpaths and i just hacked it down to not appear afraid; lacking courage in one’s own hometownspace would not be viewed favorably upon by the greater group of guys and gals in the galaxy.

in short, mrak had to let go. let go of his knowledge of a walk in nature as he knew it, let go of keeping his shoes dry, let go of holding on to thinking he wasn’t having hallucinations.

i had to let go. of my concerns about being lost or eaten by the water buffalo, of my sense of time and place, of the paranoia about that water buffalo.

in the end, mark said it was the best walk he had ever in fact had. myself agreed. it was so wild, so crazy, our legs all scratched up, trampling down grass i would imagine you’d have seen where they found Moses in the basket in the water. i never knew this place existed right down the road from my house. i don’t think it does anymore and i know we could never go back there like we did that day.

i have to let go all the time. i have to remind myself in many instances of new times, hesitations, uncertainties, and upset emotions, and do something real bottomy like enjoy the old “beauty in the breakdown”. when i get the rage (shout out to nikki b), i have to stop myself and “i think to myself ‘what a wonderful world’”

letting go is that tough thing those meditators and buddhists always talk about. and i’m all like let’s go “down in the river to pray” or something similar because in whatever way you chill out, it’s the way to letting go of all that ick. ick is sick. and whack. it never passes me by, but i can pass on it occasionally and instead pass on some love and peace.

reloveution, horsebird, uncertainty about my future does not mean i am all uptight (though i have been), but overall we really do live in such a nice place. people just need to keep doing stuff.

on that note! i’m up for hire, agreement of myself to any service agreement is based on pay rate and on the grand moral scale of my one and only me.

i love you world, now go learn some french or violin (from me)

northstar bar last night. fresh cut salads. soo good. i will post haste put up a photo or video or two. unfortunately my camera is out of battery and i don’t know where the charger is and etcetera and the like. bla bla bla.

soon though. just as soon i will do my homework. i hope. i have to work tonight for a mere four hours and i feel that this is too much. ha. but no one will take my shift, how bizarre. who knows. i’m sure i could call other stores and ask. maybe.

hmm…finally i found something interesting to say, but it’s someone else’s story. this guy is great. yambag! you have to read it. so true about that crazy stuff, why would they mix together all of those ‘liquid ixplosives’??!?! oh boy!

woo. hoo.

i’m out of it. i must go and decrease my anxiety by doing productivities? ah! we will see!!!

(ps i’ll pay you to help me with my homework. small children? i’m good at teaching? oh dear, what am i saying?!?!?!)

oh la la!

i am so hungry i would eat human flesh:

even a bad cup of coffee (but with the right timing) can make life seem overly splendid. manic. i’m manic. and last night someone said my hair looks like ‘manic panic’.

(insert picture of me and my new hair colorness here): (large?)

other than that i am like a jittery jangle bell but i like the life i live. even if i work so much i don’t have the time to work out and work out pasting a hot looking life all over facebookyspace, i still love life and know that in the long run i will be a millionaire. and that is all that matters.

busdriver is tomorrow. i am can not wait. i hope he knows how exciting it’s going to be when we’re all hanging out. then next thing you know i’m moving to california for my new life of hiphopping and teaching spanish instead of french.

i’m learning a lot about geeky stuff like joomla and website creationing. it’s fun? yes. mostly. i just wish i could speak to the computer with loving words and have it sort of just create it for me. but this is part of my fun learning adventure.

i will not admit what i spilled on my computer last night that almost made it obsolete. the screen blacked out, the computer then shut itself off. i thought my life was over. others tried to assure me that it wasn’t. i knew it was. then, slowly but surely, it came back. first it made angry at me beeping noises, then it typed in a few ‘v’’s after every ‘t’ that i put in, and now the ‘m’ doesn’t always work, but i am so grateful.

let’s share more about what it is for me to be a huan. i mean human. sometimes i feel like something other than ‘human’ because what is that word? what is any word? mental illness? i am not mentally ill, but i do get sick sometimes. i remember when i was indeed crazy……..

a sad memory from it is that i never felt comfortable. after i was put on that horrid medication i suffered from a constant semi-discomfort with life, and could not find solace in anything. a sort of restlessness, but also a sense of irritation that would not go away no matter how i tried to relax. you know how showering after being dirty for a few days (hippies and non-hippies alike), or how after staying up all night just relaxing in a blanket sitting and doing nothing, watching tv, or reading, you take time to relax, breathe, and just feel good. soft. nice. comfortable in your life, mind, and body? i never felt that. after showering i would feel dirty, in blankets i’d still be cold or hot sometimes, slippers and nice socks wouldn’t do it, no clothes looked or felt good, and i could find no way to calm me down and relax. constant irritability. side effect of medication? definitely. disgusting and disturbing? just thinking about it makes me sick, but also grateful for how much better i feel now and how i can appreciate being comfortable and relaxing. i was just thinking about how gross that was and how alien to think it impossible to feel soothed and at peace no matter what you do.

tonight on my carpool ride back from school we talked a bit of over-medicating. i read an article a few days ago in People about a 4-year-old being first put on bipolar medication, and then dying from it. no 4-year-old should be put on a medication in my opinion. at least not in most circumstances. duh. come on. prescription medications are way too potent and dangerous for that.

now it looks like there is question about the parents being at fault for over-medicating in this particular story. that’s another side of it, but in almost all Rx med situations there is a lack of knowledge, communication, and then the question in my mind- why aren’t people trying alternative approaches to therapy first! and why do people put so much !#@%#$& stock in what ‘doctors’ say. they do not always know best. ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’. i keep doctors away as much as possible these days for many reasons, not to mention how expensive they always end up being!

i have much more to say about all this than i have time to say it, but i must go work on betterlearnfrench.com so people can learn french- better style! register now or hold your merci’s for the future.

in conclusion: yes i am ‘crazy’ sometimes. no i am not on medication. no i do not need medication. a lot of people on medication do not need it. therapy, exercise, eating right, and more holistic therapy. i probably could use a little more therapy, but i am galaxies of stars better off treating ‘craziness’ with my therapy of kittens, puppies, and juice boxes (and therapeutic blogging to an almost creepy excess). jk lol rotfl haha.

thanks for visiting and get all the help you need…at betterlearnfrench.com!

how am i supposed to even pretend to know how to sleep?!?!

remember that post near v-tines day about seeing that man that i had seen only once before when i was crazy all night stay up?

he is real. he is back. the weird part? i was on a walk with !@#$ and @%&*^ (names disguised to protect lives) and i was actually talking about how we ‘own’ the ‘town’ late at ‘night’ because no one is around. few cars really. and then i thought i saw the man drive by. and i was talking about being crazy and we were walking almost finished

and then

he was there. scare. was ver. ee. so.

the bright light in his car is always out of control- i didn’t think it was him when we really saw him because his front lights were so bright. and sure enough his bright interior lit up his face and persona- but this time he was wearing some sort of tribal headband. native american pattern.

bright light. so exposing of interiority. again i try to say maybe he is a paper boy route, but !@#$ says maybe he was when he was younger and now he sleep-paper-drive-routes.

in any case, i will not be able to sleep. for days. it gets worse every time. i admitted that he might be the most real hold of terror grip anyone has ever had on me in reality (not movies and not sensationalized news), because he is real and i had really thought i made him up when i was crazy and he really is real now.

but few have seen him. !@#$ still couldn’t see him fully because his bright lights blinded us. i just knew. terror in my heartmobile. and i looked straight on at him into the car. which scared me even more.

it is soon the time to draw a picture for you to sort of be helped by.

(!@#$%^&*)

i just do not know.

hyperventilated about abstruse obtuse thoughts. like wanting to be perfected of inferiorities, seniorities, samples of simpy pit hits of tulips of pogo logos’ log bitten smitten kitten get in the long time been ben.

i sued a used to be me in a free speech liberty spout of doubt, a self clouded deluded intruded free-booted eluded contusive deducive. the last two are not true to throughout eternity’s spout of fountain mountain-climbing, i’m rhyming. yeah.

no.

i was ral pizzed about the bar tonight. month’er funker peace- someone was talking about freedom of speech when mine was breeched and bleached into a deleted second-sheeted piece of beat. yeah james is taming the maimed blame, makin the face complacent to your adjacent basement.

i’m done with this.

i went to myheritage.com and asked them what celebrities i look like, and i was scared and disappointed with the results. let’s just say more than one of them was a man. ha.

yeah i did a lot of good this weekend. wait. no. i didn’t. i guess working counts for something.

i did see this though, which has forever changed my life: the great daryl nathan indeed this man is my savior in a way. life will just never be the same.

at least my friends and i started a ’stitch and bitch’ and believe it or not i crocheted a few inches of a potential scarf. i have to learn how to really knit and crochet, because i have to bag me a husband someday, but for now, weak crochet skills will pass for me.

i cannot get over daryl nathan and his spinning wheel. if you watch all of the videos you may see a lightning bolt or two.

unfortunately i also found out this weekend that Snoop is married with children. one more lost to the winds of time.

i did spend part of my weekend constructing a house for the kat ten, and it was pretty funny. she crazy.

i will definitely come up with something worthwhile really soon. for now, READ THE NEW STORY SUBMISSION! (HERE)

the great Daryl Nathan, ladies and gents:

yep

when i think about where i was a year ago (in my opinion one of the best time frames of reflection) i am, in one word, pleased. alright, two words: pleased and proud. i went crazy and came back, and have not just been recovering, but reshaping my life and adapting and learning from what happened. i wasn’t able to stop my paranoia. paranoia was one of the funnier things to me; i’d have awesome delusions that, looking back, i cannot believe that i really did believe them. i think it was a side-effect of the medications i was put on actually! What an interesting and vague thing, mental illness is to me. I was diagnosed as schizophrenic and bipolar, as well as a major depressive disorder (this last one i almost agreed with because in the ‘adult day program’ i was in, i was SURROUNDED by depressed people ALL DAY! (on top of having to say that i was schizophrenic and bipolar)). i got off the medication myself against both professional and personal opinions because i knew it was doing so much more harm than good (the story is too long to tell right now, but anyone who knows it knows why what happened happened). to make the long story short for now (until i later write a book about it all), i took charge of my life and overcame a whole lot of stuff to get where i am now. i went from being ‘crazy’ and on several medications and fearing being carried off to another loony bin, to working almost full time and going to school full time to get my masters for teaching french. and that was part of it- i was concentrating so much on the ‘crazy’ stuff and not doing anything with my life; it became a draining and negative cycle. instead, i just started doing things again, and i felt so much better.

now i feel much more free to talk about what happened if you ever want to know more. i grew and learned so much from those experiences last year i couldn’t even describe it all; and i still get more from them as time goes on.

i would recommend staying out of loony bins if you can do it, but dealing with whatever ‘mental illnesses’ you may have or think you have or have been ‘diagnosed’ with, it’s important to find your own therapy for them. holistic therapy is my recommendation.

join me this time next week for caring and loving and sharing of delusions (ho ho ho!)