Category — L’Oventures (realationships)

i feel like my blogs have been boring and depressing of late. maybe that’s how i feel about myself of late. well, i am sort of done school after tonight. sort of. it’s hard to say because a- i have not studied at all for my final, b- i’m not done some other schoolwork and c- i will still be taking an intensive summer course so whooptie-do(ne). yeah right. i will cherish up that sweet time off school, those few weeks, where, i, work.

i love eating lots of carrot juice and coffee juice and they seem to think fondly of me too. i freak out so easily. both good and bad. i think it’s all the coffee or the huggable delusions. i really leally love animals that i never see anymore. i’m random. it’s the #$%^&.

speaking of my profound sadness, melancholy, and woe, i agree with what everyone has been saying. but here is my proposal (and ps propose to me please)- there is almost nothing worse than being ‘broken up with’ by someone you ‘love’. (besides death, trauma, all those other nasty occurrences). but for your heart and relationships? it’s the worst.

because first of all, you have to get over something that you may have little reason and probably little motivation as well to do. then, you have the fact that who has the time or desire to go through all those negative and unpleasant feelings and the crying and the whatnot and hoo haa. then you have to deal with the fact that the breaker is all freakin fine and dandy and not to mention happily moving on to other things (and possibly people). (oh my sick murder of Teletubbies) and everyone else is randomly or occasionally sympathetic but what can they do besides that for a bit? and what can you do in mean(pain)time?

shove it! or shovel yourself into a tunnel of a new fake life! girls- go out there, get a fake tan, hang out with some other pre-second-decade-of-life carefree skincleave-exposing hotties who know where to find the best treats and to later groupuke them up (both food and hot boys) guys- keep shoving it and get a new video game or electronic device.

wow. i suck at pretending. and at making fun of people i hate. (and love)

(i wrote friday’s blog on a napkin while at the bar, saturday and sunday i couldn’t see out my eyes, and then i found some new spots of life. despite the cold hearted robots)

Friday- when I do see my friends I cherish every detail I learn about them that reinforces a heartfelt human connection between them and I, that lies anew beneath my humoristic (at times) robotlike exterior. It’s funny that some of my BFF’s (bottomy) have never read my ‘blog’ but I love those who do maybe just as much. They probably know more about me than my other friends do.

Saturday- ouch. My heart hurt a lot last night. Almost like it never has before. I know this because I woke up about every half hour with my heart pounding at unnecessarily excessive speeds. Oh my. It was awful.

Sunday- I saw ‘Stranger than Fiction’. I appreciated how it touched upon romance, but not grossly. I like how it was dramatic, but realistic enough that my temporary situational depression didn’t get caught up in it. I need to get internet. I need to do a lot of stuff.
But today I had another pleasant encounter with a friend. I went on a long walk with her all over town, and we talked about everything. So many good insights into life. Upon recently deciding to really break up my life, I have felt it. Felt the real. The real all of it.
It was good to hear her thoughts on her marriage and how it is both something wonderful exciting heartfelt and the like, and also enough of an endeavor that you still do go through the times of self-doubt or still have relational issues. I am not summarizing it well, it was very lively at the time and I was taken away with love for life.
What I mean? as I realize more and more that marriage is not something that could save me, but rather an adventure that I need to have 8 chariots of fire passion for both it and the guy, I appreciate hearing about my friends’ endeavors with it. And I don’t need it yet. But I look forward to developing my awesome life awesomely so that I can have a chance at snagging me some pirates.

I’m done with those thoughts. I have to go feed my blindness.

ouch it’s cold and both my homework and my heart hurt. i’m going to make a great teacher hatin’ on homework like i do. i promise to keep in mind my loathing for homework that i don’t like when i try to give some that some students might not like. the only time i have to do my homework is rarely/never, and the only people i hang out with are robots. i mean computers. i mean.

oh my wishlist it is cold. why! so cold. maybe i’m cold-hearted. yes. i am. right now. oh boy! one would think that since i can i would edit these ‘blogs’. i don’t. obviously? oh my la i am so cold and so concerned about how much homework i didn’t do for so long. so boring!

new subject- family, children, future, oldness, etcetera. so i was thinking that i wouldn’t have kids until i am financially pretty decent off, right?! be practical eh!? then i was thinking about how often people don’t get there and have kids anyway. and not the really impoverished irresponsibles (no judgment. judgment?), but the people who have a love and have a life and want to see what will happen in the world as they bring new life to it.

so i was thinking. it might be okay if they’re not completely rich enough. you have kids, you save money while their babies right? i mean it’s not like kids go to college right out of the womb. they don’t even need to ever go to college. maybe.

but in the end i decided that having more love than money is the most important. the best of families are that way because of the love, not because of the money. yes money can flow things a lot better, but boo ka tchoo, whooped if i don’t remember the tender loving memories more than the times that we didn’t have cable or the fact that i never went to disneylandworld. i don’t care even now about either of those that much. i do care about money right now though whilst i am on my own.

why do i care about these little humans if i’m so far from marriage? i care. because i could get married any day without even realizing it and then it might be all biological childbomb time in my me. i’m sure that’s not what those famous ‘men my age’ want to hear. a coworker and i discussed how at this age (24 me/25 him) there seems to be a divide amongst women and men, or also just between those looking to get married and those looking to simply date. but i see women tending to be the ones casting a hot eye upon marriage- especially those wanting to use their uter-oos for optimal health babes.

i know i’m young, so maybe i should date an olderish man. i’m aiming for 26/27/28 next time around. i also don’t serial date, i serious date. that’s a downfall of my heart that gets no adjective on this public a forum.

go join my forum and say stuff on that one french website i made. [can no longer associate them via the webbed feet of internet tubes because of the future, my future]

i want to be a dj so bad. more bad than anyone knows. maybe if i put away a savings column in my ‘ing’ accounts for turntables i can be. i could just start with other music, but i’m bored with what i pretend to already know. ho ho. not true. i’m lying to you, see me through, i’m kinda blue with the saturated pretense of present and future tenses’ sensibility, predictability, unbeknownst to me, there’s more out there around the lurking cornerstone of my musical agility, sad as it may now be, use the counterbalance for frigidity, as a new perspective in heat’s fast rushed rhyming, with the right timing, someday i’ll laugh at this stuff while climbing the mind.

(addendumps- i definitely am not equipped appropriately for a small human if i laughed at this instead of was aghast ud)

put on a happy face.
nope.
i am so sad right now.
i suppose this is a part of life.
some may call me ‘bipolar’.
i might call them ‘bipolar’ back.
i’m not even depressed about things, just pretty sad right now.
and it’s almost the Good Friday/Easter Sunday combo.
i should be rejoicing and boldly showing a new self of mine, just as the Spring flowers are starting to burst up all around.
well.
that might be a little much.
now i’m getting bored. what does that mean?
my teacher showed us a kind of awkward movie- only awkward because it dealt with his sister who died of cancer and it was right at the end of class- how am i supposed to ask a homework-related question after that?!?!?

who knows anymore?! days pass quickly, slowly, and i am not yet making millions of dollars. in the meantime, the money i have started paying towards school loans? not lowering the balance in the end.

no cause for panic attacks here though. just keep thinking of good stuff. kat ten. nieces afar. happy feet. march of the penguins (i have yet to see it), and farce of the penguins (stupid yet worthwhile entertainment that just made me laugh at life).

so i am not saying why i’m sad right now…i don’t have enough time.

work work work!

let’s start off by saying i’m a bad person. i thought they only existed in the movies and ‘reality tv’ shows. but now i’m one of them.

for a few days, life was going swell, and then i sort of completely messed it up. will i get over this or myself? no. my actions? no. my thoughts? who am i. what am i doing. why am i writing all this and sharing nothing about it? because i can, online diary readers, i can. (apologies if you’re just looking for a cute picture of my nieces, that’s the previous blog)

i’m in an oven of despair and it’s lassoed onto a cactus’ dry heart cavity. i made that up and the lack of accuracy in the statement disappoints myself even more.

i had a dream that i was at buckyhoohah (work) and i was extremely tired. i was so tired i was falling asleep standing up and also falling over. people started to wonder, but i tried to keep up my front. i was like ‘wow, i must be tired, maybe i should drink some espresso’. it was really embarrassing, and i don’t get embarrassed. what does it mean, dream gods?!

it might have to do with me not being a good person. maybe it symbolizes the falsities that lie within me right now and how tired they are making me. i can no longer stand (up) it. that was all bottomy. extremely so.

have people ever said ‘gobble-dee-goock’ to you? i can’t imagine how to spell it it is so gross.

what does all this mean? why aren’t i working right now! (hello- obvious!)

i never imagined when i used to imagine wanting my life like this what with the drama and the things that if my life ever got like this i’d hate it.

stick my arm in the oven i’m c(r)ooked.

to hear more information, go to kw9zm.fmstation tune in to your local radiator.

i’m all out of stock. i can’t have it for anyone. some platonic love might still linger in my being, but i’m not sure about anything more. relationships are just too difficult. i don’t know what i really believe about love, relationships, and marriage. as much as i think i do, i see it so rarely around me today. open relationships, divorce, adultery, cheating, so on and so forth, i do not know how to deal with the real possibility that they’re all out there standing in between me and a perfect marriage. but after a recent experiment i’ve realized that i probably don’t want to marry anyone soon anyway, but maybe someday. until then, though, i should really focus more on awesome-izing my life. and maybe some other stuff too, but that’s not for me to talk about today.

well here, this is kind of stupid, but kind of funny. i don’t know. maybe there are other people out there like me (not to date, but to empathize) but probably not. i’m just a little too bizarre.

on a better note, starting next week, my blog will be more krunktop than ever! 

maybe my life would be more interesting, less falsely dramatic, and just plain frighteningly exciting, if i had more experiences with the crusher.

instead, i am forced to dwell in the overdone cesspit of emotion with all the other sorrowful swimmers in the tumultuous wave pool of life. but no one is swimming in my lane right now, and none of my friends are even doing laps nearby; i am alone in the recycled waterfalls of feelings, with something that has happened and is happening all the time, something that will happen as long as humans are not made of computers.

me, once again, here in computerspace, writing about my feelings. but only because i can’t escape them, and as much as i’d like to take them out with the trash, they do not go away. what would possess me (besides the sleep paralysis crusher) to tell a computer screen and then the possibility of whosoever might find this, about my intimate, most personal life? complete and utter apathetic sorrowful depressional lack of caring sharing. i like to share my life’s sorrows so either someone will talk to me about them, or in the hopes that maybe someday, somehow, this will help someone, or they will be able to relate.

one time i wrote an article about living it up, and it said something about a relationship i had just gotten out of and over, and someone at my college actually emailed me to thank me because they were reading the paper, completely depressed, just dumped, and they found my article and it gave them hope (when they were bored and expecting to find nothing of interest- their words)

well, when it happens to you (dips in the stock supply of l’oventures) it does not resemble anything noble, exciting, lively, or any word that means the opposite of sadness, despair, or pathetic-ness.

i will not go into detail. all that i will say is, my soul has been slightly punctured. and the feelings that accompany it just do not go away. incessant angst, boring.com, is something that i do not know how to deal with, do not want to, and certainly do not like dealing with.

and here it is, daring me to keep going, to move on, to move forward. and all i can think of is how extremely bottomy new beginnings are. no more sharing for now, maybe caring later, maybe something more coherently relatable. let me know. that never-ending time thing will probably let me know as well.

for now, i will try to avoid hateration (TM Mary J Blige) and the Great Depression.

as i reflect on 2006, i realize that more has happened than i could even begin to wrap up into a nice present-time, but i’ll make a few reflections that come to me in the minutes before i go begin the celebration for lil new 2007:

1) no one really knows what they’re talking about, but if you speak with confidence you will persuade many people and they will probably end up believing you or agreeing in some way (this applies to proust scholars as well)

2) these video game things are out of control- wii controllers flying into tv screens, the usual lines and riots for ps3s, but i did not know that people would go so far as to pay hundreds of dollars for an xbox 360 BOX or over a 1000 dollars for PS3 CONTACT INFORMATION. i also did not know i would become impressed by and borderline addicted to wii, after a brief visit with it over a three-day period at my sister’s house

3) on-again off-again relationships are called that for a reason, yet i still have hope for some sort of magical evolution that will overcome the odds

4) i am saturated with sarcasm, occasional but somewhat persistent melancholy, and incessant internet/network exploration, but am saved by humor (within and without), cute animals, the better or healthy and loving ‘on’ parts of number 3, and personal progress provided by private parameters

5) those social networking sites are getting out of control- myspace and the facebook in particular- and everyone gets to be as awesome as they want in their photographed and profiled lives, often with an accompanying decrease in actual physical social interaction

5.5) paola might be one of the only people who religiously reads my blog, at least, she is the only one who thankfully comments, until recently, the comment about the maggio’s experience, and a few random others, and i love her for it, whether she knows what love is or not (joke), and i will devote some part of 2007 to her because of it. (and possibly pay her when i’m rich).

6) caffeine is sadly much less effective for me (after working at starbucks) and i don’t even use the resources available to me at work, i turn to energy drinks from rockstar juiced (though no longer because of the sucralose), to red bull (and occasionally vodka (no, not at work)), to the even better (available only at WaWa) MachW (cheaper than and just as tasty as red bull), and now to ‘natural’ energy drinks from whole foods in MI, i hope i can get them here!

7) people like a lot of dumb and gross stuff. i saw jackass 2- eww. remember that blog/incident where paris hilton vomits while trying to sing her own song? britney and the you know whats or not (if you don’t know what i’m talking about we’re probably better friends that way for everyone), fergie ferg (just that name alone is gross). many other things i needn’t get into. it’s gross enough already. i feel more dumb for having existed in 2006.

going to night school (though still full-time and it being grad school (which should mean something over college)), does not mean that i will be more intelligent than in my university years- i am actually not even that intelligent anymore. i have to rely on more self-found information sources, and am often mystified by what people around me say in social situations. i may be more intelligent in a specific way (relating to education and certain fields in it), but i do not feel like a precocious and delicious young college student anymore. and more. more, like the fact that last year i wasn’t in college either, but i blame my non-intelligence then on recovering from insanity, and i was intelligent in a different way, which only my previous blogs could explain.

9) i have relied primarily on popurls.com for most of my random, and bizarre, interesting, funny, and whatever else stories i like. you should too. starting now.

10) this guy i know, maybe even my best guy friend, is somewhat of a technological genius, in my eyes, but with every genius of this sort, you will most likely also find a counterbalanced kind of introversion and foreign-to-a-person-like-me personality and/or life-view, and if this is a relationship component in which one is more of a ‘thinker’ and the other a ‘feeler’, well, the ‘feeler’ usually suffers more because ‘thinkers’ can rationalize feelings, but ‘feelers’ can’t easily understand a lack of their motivational life fuel in other humans

11)a) i realized first and foremost that i am confusing, not in a philosophical way, but in a simple linguistic way, because i can’t say things simply, i can’t just say something like a normal other person would, but i don’t care, because it makes people think more, or work harder to follow me, and sometimes not at all

11)b) this speech-pattern-impairment has the most negative consequences when i speak with others in a commercial or retail manner (ie ordering food or asking a store-information-type-question), or when interacting with someone who is all about language execution, and neuro-linguistic programming

12) changing simple things, like getting a different phone when you have one that doesn’t allow you to have conversations for longer than three minutes without dying, or wearing gloves on your hands because the sanitizer you are forced to use corrodes your precious finger skin, will drastically and profoundly change your life, in simple little ways (smiley internet face)

13) i hate ‘lol’, ‘rotfl’, ‘brb’, ‘omg’, and all that stuff more and more because more and more of it keeps appearing

14) things like ‘finger skin’ and other words i made up, as well as a plethora of strange, disgusting, or bizarre occurrences in this world, this time, make me happy. make life worth living. things like doing what i want make me happy. see amandoocabulary for more made up words.

15) i am getting worse and worse at doing schoolwork and that scares me, wanting to be a teacher and all, but maybe there’s a reason for it. just maybe. contact me for more information.

16) i spend so much more time on the internet than i used to, so much so that on new year’s eve, at 9pm, i am still at home, but it means nothing, because midnight is when my night begins usually. over time (in 2006 mostly) i have graduated to living a time-style like that of the nightlife of a Spaniard, but unfortunately i don’t sleep in as late in the morn, so i might be permanently sleep-deprived, and that explains me a little if you know me, and you know that drinking a MachW at 9pm is not unheard of, questionable, or absurd, not in the least

17) i have so, so, so many more, more important, more pertinent thoughts and observations from 2006, but i really need to get my night on, so, i will continue this next year, in 2007.

To 2006, you gave me a life in a blog, and sleep deprivation, and a kitten! therefore, i love you. very much. Thanks 2006.

(i hate it when my dramatic blogging is interrupted by a real person who is bound to make my blogife realistically less dramatic- come on! (unless i lie, and i could take that up, since i have taken up hatred (you know they say to ‘do something different’ after heartbreak))), because now all those ‘feeling’ things have somewhat subsided or they have a different perspectivies.

okay. i have never screamed like that while crying. is that normal? creative? maniacal? definitely un peu psychotic. i was seriously having a time. and when you ‘lose’ your ‘best friend thing’ (or at least you’re supposed to stop talking to them, hanging out with them, and thinking about them (but you sort of seem to can’t (or is that just me)))

it feels so empty when you’re alone and empty and all you have is an empty heart and emptiness in your ‘home’. i bet i could make this really preciously sad, oops, wait, i meant pathetically sad for the next few paragraphs! cynicism is more endearing than sensitivity (so i think/hope/suspect (for my friendships’ sake)).

as the Fresh Cut Salads would say “Why do I feel so lost and alone [and empty]?”

well i have proved many things, and now that i can’t tell you why i can’t say them, i will get back to my education, which has been dragging along like a pathetic piece of poo (sike, that’s me, and my education is what’s carrying me ALONG!)=’$'=’!', yes the homework part of education is always a little lacking, but even moreso now with my woes and throes of excuse (ie numbness does not aid productivity unless you have mastered it (or not i might just be doing my own type of crazy philosophizing)). well at least it’s time to stop pretending i’m sharing this with the world when it could very well just be the computernet.

‘hop on the bus gus, don’t need to discuss much’ etcetera

current mood= listening to= “emptiness inside of emptiness doesn’t equal not such” (by who else (okay it’s late- me))

i did get a good suggestion= walk in the forest and just don’t think

love me, love me, say that you love me, (even if i don’t say informational things anymore) more lyricscetera

when i wasn’t sleeping last night for many an hour i read some top headlines at ‘diggy’ diggity digg.com dot com, and i liked what i saw, the likes of this for instance: are fathers necessary anymore? and sobriety: what’s the point? and there are a few others but i got distracted because though i was sort of making fun of the titles, the drunk one actually intrigued me, so i read it, and then forgot what i was typing and had to cry.
drunk people suck. it sucks much more when i’m one of them. (champagne is fun until the sixth glass)

well today i’ve been mostly crying, wasting my time crying, and feeling like a cry baby. and i won’t tell you why.

but as a human, i feel like i owe it to you people to tell you straight up that ‘important sandwich’ by the fresh cut salads is the best song/video combo i know of. please check it out.

if you just broke up with someone (and are sad about it) or got broken up with, i have a few suggestions:

• make some salmon with fruit salsa because cooking is an activity and it will probably taste better and cost less than eating out. plus you’ll be alone if you eat out. (and that’s just downright embarrassing and unacceptable)
• read stuff other people have written about this feeling blue issue
• 
• look at picture after picture of kittens. it never fails (even if you don’t like cats) also find an animal that doesn’t have rabies and see if it will hug you.
• start looking really grood. use the red puffy eyes as a new look for the fall and add some pink eyeliner, and i’m sure you can do something about that tear-stained hair look
• don’t continue to hang out with the ended relationship person just because they have internet access and you don’t
• take a bath. if you can’t take a bath then boil up some water and splash it on yourself gingerly
• whatever your impulse is you should probably do the opposite

and so these are some random, humorless, unorganized suggestions because i am lacking humor. and lastly, watch all three seasons of arrested development in a short amount of time, and read deep thoughts by jack handy and then make your own. i think you might be surprised at the amount of dark and sarcastic humor you can muster up in a time of gloom and despair.
have a good night! (and call me please. i won’t want to hang out, but please call me- my number is 345-9857-0298222 (international))