Category — Death of a Family Member

I have been through the hardest year of my life. I don’t know that for sure, worse things could happen (though it’s unlikely). I am referring to losing a ton of things. You name it, I had a big loss in any sector last year.

So maybe this year is the worst year. Well. It has been the winter of my discontent. And then I skimmed through “Winter of our Discontent” last weekend. It was good, a lot of details, some felt unnecessary, but that’s probably because I wasn’t focusing while reading.

My blog might have too many details, or never enough, of the right kind. But anyway, I’m here to talk about my feelings again, I think.

I think I’ll be a master of grieving, changing, and adjusting after this year of the aftermath. A friend wrote this in an email and I just loved the @#$% out of it. She’s going through a loss and/or just living life of/on her own.

“Adjustments feel adjusty. Which is to say they feel uncomfortable. I try to embrace the discomfort like when you have diarrhea or you feel nauseous- it’s really better once it smashes you head-on and you go through the horrible feeling of vomiting (out of whichever end is needed at the time). So much of life can be compared to smelly bodily functions.”

Yep. That is genius. I need to hang out with her more. But she goes to bed early. I think. I don’t know. You can’t just assume things about people. I started going to bed and getting up a little earlier. But. I get bored at night and want to go out, waste time.

I spend enough time alone that you’d think I was an introvert. And then I spend more time on top of that…alone! Maybe it’s part of grieving, maybe it’s part of shaping my future, maybe it is what it is!

What it is, folk. I’m just writing this as therapy. Writing can be therapeutic. It probably helps if you don’t share every little last thing that comes to mind, although, I like to do that sometimes.

Is there anybody out there? Ha. Gotta love Pink Floyd!

Is a Broken Heart a Real Thing? Yes. I thought so.

Well, for one thing, I’d recently heard of the term Takotsubo’s Cardiomyopathy a.k.a. “Broken-heart syndrome” and seen the article describing the stress-induced cardiomyopathy occurrence. Cardiomyopathy is heart muscle disease, if you didn’t know.

But today, there is a New York Times article (which, therefore, is a lot easier and slightly entertaining to read (= read fit-for-the-average-American), entitled Really? The Claim: Grief Can Cause a Heart Attack

The article confirms what I had seen before, and with simpler explanation.

Especially the day after a loved one dies (especially say, a spouse), heart attacks are just waiting around the corner. Well, perhaps the people in the study were more likely to have a heart attack than a very healthy human. But yes, death of a loved one, especially your so-called soulmate, could induce enough stress to cause a heart attack!

“The study, published on Monday in Circulation: Journal of the American Heart Association, found that a person’s heart attack risk is 21 times higher than normal the day after a loved one dies.”

Recently, with all the deaths, I’ve heard a few people say their heart is actually hurting. That scares me. This article mentions that even weeks or months after the death, there is still an increased risk.

And, I myself must admit, I have been having some palpitations. I am not at all at risk. I am a young and healthy young-adult. But, as a doctor points out at the end of this short article: “…Bereavement could provoke depression, anger and anxiety, all of which can elevate the heart rate and blood pressure and increase blood clotting”.

I know I am just finally getting over a sickness related to odd sleeping patterns. What can you do? I think if there’s one thing you get out of this, hopefully if you read this (and I hope it doesn’t happen any time soon, if ever), and you lose someone near and dear to you (or you’re paying attention to what happens to family members), just pay attention. You really could have a heart attack and die of it just after the death of your beloved family member. But do not fear, it’s probably not that likely to happen. Though the after-affects of losing someone are devastating. And, I still don’t feel in the clear personally as far as being concerned about some of my family members.

And nothing is worse then losing two family members in a close amount of time. I’ve not only read about it, I’m living it. This post is going nowhere anymore, but, keep the words in mind. Broken hearts are real things. And, there is a good physical basis behind it.

I watched this video clip about Haiti, the cholera infecting as many as some 200 people a day! and the aftermath of the earthquake that killed thousands of people.

How weird is it to think of those thousands of people left in the devastation, trying to rebuild their lives, while burdened by the loss of their homes, members of their families, and their possessions.

There are lots of places suffering after natural disasters, all over the globe, including in the U.S. And then we have the economic depression and superficiality and difficulty making ends meet with the burden of debt so pervasive in America.

And I sat this evening, too melancholy for words, for a while. Alone. Lost.

I can relate somewhat to these people, having lost two family members entirely too close together this year. But then there are some people who lost everyone, or everything, or both! I do not have to worry about cholera, but the aftermath of my grief is massive. I had some life changes just before the first death, and now have recently had many more changes, and I am left clinging to what?

I do not know. I know possessions are not important. So I’m going through a phase of both letting go of and getting rid of things, but also trying to fend off a desperate clinging to items that have emotional significance for me, and an increasingly obsessed effort to live a healthy, organic lifestyle (so as to prevent cancer).

But. I cannot know what will come. There is a lot of uncertainty for me. I have had many more luxuries than say, most affected in Haiti or Japan, but comparisons do little to really help in the long run. I don’t wish I had been forced to face one of these horrible natural disasters, but, I do find it hard to be in my grief, and balancing “moving forward” with so many people completely unaware of the depths of sorrow and distraught-ness inside me (strangers), and those who do know me mostly expecting I will “move on” as they have, or many just think it would be the normal time to. I don’t know. I feel lost a lot. But, after a good cry, I know that I need to move on to something else. And maybe that something will include helping others in grief. Who knows.

I know I need to be gentle with myself and forgiving instead of critical. I have sympathy and empathy for those living in Haiti and elsewhere, struggling every day. I have a different set of burdens. Mine are better and worse, in different ways, and would certainly be different if I were another person (like another one of my family members).

I don’t know what else to say, so I’ll end this post with an interesting thought a friend of mine who lost her husband (and is a mother to three kids) said recently. Everyone was wishing her a happy birthday, and she wanted to be authentic about her situation. So she posted that lately she had been thinking maybe God/life wants her to appreciate the ups as much as the downs. To enjoy, so to speak, the sadness and the happiness. As we are often reminded, you can only experience fuller joy by experiencing the lack or opposite of such a feeling. And maybe we’re not just supposed to live for joy. Although, I would definitely like to see more of it in my life, and, I guess if I alter the way I look at it, I do.

i come from a family where music can mean anything and everything to each of us. i know a lot of people probably feel that way, but if i spent two hours getting into it, you might get what i’m saying, and i’d still have a few more hours to go explaining why…

thomas newman – how to make an american quilt

from the soundtrack you know. i don’t even know if i ever saw the movie. but t.newmerz became a hugely important part of my mother’s life, so much so that she wrote him a deep, long letter from her heart. she was so touched. and then so was my sister, who passed. and so was, and am, i. and i imagine many hundreds of thousands of people can and do feel the same way.

he wrote soundtracks for indescribably beautiful concepts/movies, like “shawshank redemption” “meet joe black” and the popular “american beauty”, as well as many others such as the video i’m sharing. and how could i not mention “angels in america”?! these songs touch the deepest parts of my soul, to a place and point where i don’t care what time it is, what mood i’m in, i can always let go of my facade, caring what others think, being ashamed of overflowing feelings and emotions…it’s just pure beauty. he is a genius.

i am going through SO much right now. it makes all that other stuff i thought was tough to go through look almost like fluffy pillows. but. alas. i respect my former self, at that time, and recognize that the “me” at that time really felt like i was “going through a lot”. and music always helps me.

if i’m upset and want to cry, i might listen to thomas newman, as i now more than ever associate him with emotions with such depth that i can’t describe…circa the time of my sister’s death and surreal funeral. and if i’m happy i’ll put on the beatles. or sad the beatles. or want to dance- pop, or want to escape- rap. or want to be someone different- listen to an alternative station.

i’m not going to try and make any points here. just sharing that thomas newman is an astounding composer and/or songwriter. and, as so many of you can relate to, whether or not you play or make any music, everyone loves a great song, and whatever mood strikes, it’s nice to find complementary music. maybe that’s why i’m so excited about being a DJ.

what a world, hearing is possibly the last sense i’d want to give up. it’s tough deciding between vision and hearing. tonight it’s hearing i’d want to hold onto forever. i have seen so much, but i’d go crazy if i couldn’t enjoy the beauty of music out there already, music to come, music to commemorate and cherish, and music i can create!

I found the poem posted on a site while googling grieving and the like. It was a comment a person made, they had lost their father, and this was read at his funeral. Author unknown.

Even though sometimes with all the death, cancer, and immensely difficult things that have happened in the last ~2 years for me and so many people I’m close to, I feel upset and don’t know what I believe about God/religion/heaven/etc…but I always find that I am more comforted to believe that there is an afterlife, that my sister is in “heaven” (whatever it’s like), or at least somewhere where I will get to see her again. I do believe this life on earth we have may just be a fraction of a speck of sand on a beach compared with the bigger picture (whatever that is). I definitely have my doubts, depressions, and difficulties, but I always find comfort, and sometimes I even think that it is my sister giving it to me. I know I can’t know for sure on this earth, but I choose to know. Just like “faith” and not having to “see it to believe it”.

One, Allah, the Creator, God, Jesus, Yahweh, Lord Almighty, whatever you call the Great Being in the “Sky”, comforts me, sometimes through other people, and then when I’m alone and feel so alone in my sadness, I am eventually comforted by something greater than me. Perhaps it is just me (critics might say), but I say it’s God in there (and yes, again, I’m not exactly sure what that means…I don’t know if God is a man or woman…or both. probably both.)

Without further ado, here’s that poem. (As you may have noticed, I haven’t been posting much. I could post a lot. But grief is an on and off consumer of my being, and if I spend toooo much time alone, I can get sadsacked.) But anyway, here’s a poem I found I really like, that’s not too overly preachy about “Well yes you may be sad, but at least they’re in God’s hands now!”

Perhaps if you’ve lost someone close to you, you can imagine them reading this. I know it can be very, very hard. Surreal and almost insurmountable…oh yeah, I got distracted again…let the poem say cute things now:

TO THOSE I LOVE AND TO THOSE WHO LOVE ME

When I am gone release me let me go.

I have so many things to see and do.

You mustn’t tie yourself to me with tears,

Be thankful for our many beautiful years
I gave to you my love.

You can only guess

How much you gave to me in happiness,

I thank you for the love you each have shown,
But now it’s time I traveled on alone.

So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must,

Then let your grief be comforted by trust.

It’s only for a time that we must part,
So bless the memories within your heart.

I won’t be far away, for life goes on.

So if you need me, call and I will come,

Though you can’t see or touch me, I’ll be near.

And if you listen with your heart, you’ll hear
All my love around you soft and clear.

And then, when you must come this way alone,

I’ll greet you with a smile and say~
“WELCOME HOME!”

I’m about to enjoy a nice cool, refreshing, delicious cointreau margarita. Want to learn more about Cointreau? At one point in my life I actually lived in the town where Cointreau is from in France! How cool is that?!

Here’s the recipe I’m using:

Pour into a shaker with ice:
- 1 oz. Cointreau
- 2 oz. Tequila
- 3/4 oz. Fresh lime juice

Strain into a salt rimmed Margarita glass

I have 1800 Tequila (fairly nice, though no Patron), and am using pink Himalayan crystal salt instead of just boring old table salt.

Margaritas were a huge help when I was out in MI with the fam after the tragic passing of my sister. Just over a month ago now. I didn’t think I’d be particularly affected yesterday (other than acknowledging that it had been a month and I still can’t believe it), but at one point, I was learning to sing a song a friend had wrote, and I listened to the lyrics and then just couldn’t help but burst into tears. C’est la vie. It hits you hard, randomly, grief.

So let me actually get this margarita thing going and come back to this post! OK, so, here are a few more notes:

-Himalayan pink crystal salt is delicious
-This #$%^ is strong tasting
-1800 tequila was kinda difficult to get open (annoying plastic wrap stuff)
a. They have a shot-pour-cap, which is an innovative idea
b. But it sucks. You have to be careful not to let it drip out (which I didn’t do a good job of) when inverting it.
-Margaritas are delicious. This is a lot better than a mix, and less sugar and therefore fewer calories haha

Yeah, so, margaritas were a mainstay for me that week I was home. Mind you, I was drinking socially and a lot of good times and even many laughs were had because of these. And now, I have purchased the makings for them to enjoy at home. Am I drinking alone? I’m not going to answer that question. Would that make me an alcoholic?

No! Not if I’m cooking too! Right, “Harto”?!

This girl could be my friend, but, I can never get over making a grilled cheese without cheese. But sometimes life is tough, so…respect!

ADDENDUM- so you may be asking, how would this post be complete without some personal proof input?!

Well, it’s been tough lately! I thought my cam had totally run out of battery, left it in MI, then it got sent…anyway, long story not gonna go on anymore. I got a pic, and here it is!

I could get into a lot right now. I know I need want to be writing more. You see, there is so much involved in losing a sibling. So much. And it’s so weird. 2 weeks, 4 days since my sister’s been gone. I know because I stopped crossing off the date on my above-my-desk-calendar the day it happened. I really think I need to make a page/section on this. Possibly.

So I was going through old letters from her, and again scouring my massive database of pics and videos, and whenever I come across a video of her, it produces the weirdest reactions. (Not that weird, probably totally normal, but I just mean weird in the sense of how can I really believe that she is no longer alive and stuff…) Yeah, seeing her in videos is weird.

Maybe I’ll get you a vid, but right now I can’t unless it’s on youtube. It’s all a huge blur of blubber- tears.

Actually I don’t think I cried once today about it, or maybe a few tearings-ups, the floody days were exhausting, yet, I’m sure there will be more to come.

I’m trying to get around to saying I was going through stuff, then was like “Oh, yeah. The internet could possibly help me!” So I googled: “Death of a Sibling“. Then I read one page, liked a whole lot of it, and got distracted, writing my two “bereaved” siblings a long email, and then decided to blog.

This blog post is ALL over the place. Blogging will be good. With the help of a friend, I decided to come up with ~10 things I like to do, and to do between 3-5 of them a day. Blogging is definitely one of them!

But here is that first link I found: Words of Wisdom for Those Who Have Lost a Sibling

I liked it. It’s a page made by some guy, with a few different sections. Anniversary reactions (the pain coming up on the anniversary of their death or birth, and other times) will indeed happen and be difficult, sometimes decades later. Right now, we’re talking days and week anniversaries. I know I have thought of them. I like the tip of simply being aware of the dates can help lessen the pain or symptoms that may come up (if you weren’t aware).

The Lost Relationship section just lists a bunch of different factors- what was the relationship like? circumstances of death? (She passed suddenly, unexpectedly, and wrongly- in a car crash that wasn’t her fault). A bunch of other things that may change how the grief goes. There are indeed some other factors I may get into in blogging or private writing moreso.
The Importance of Self-Care. I was reading this, and thought that was the end of the page, and decided to help care for myself, I would reach out to my bro and sis, and wrote them an email. I want to include the paragraphs I really liked from this section on processing a sibling loss:

Learn about the process

You can help yourself to heal in other ways too. One is to educate yourself about the process of grief–just being able to give a name to what is happening to you is helpful. As you consider the phases and stages of grief, you don’t have to agree with any particular theory. In fact, you might make up your own theory of grief stages, based on your own experience. Who else is better qualified? Learning about the stages helps you to put your experience into a specific context. This feels better than living with the vague ill-defined “soup” of mixed emotions and thoughts about your loss.

It is also helpful to learn about the lifelong impact of sibling loss, so you can compare and contrast your experience with what has been learned through research. Every time you read about someone else’s experience or the results of research on sibling loss, you have an opportunity to sort out your experience. You say to yourself, “my experience wasn’t like that” or “that’s exactly what I felt.” This process of turning the experience over and over in your mind works somewhat like a rock tumbler–you put in jagged rocks and tumble them until they become smooth. Comparing and contrasting your experience helps you to work it through.

And then it talked about connecting with other bereaved siblings and I really liked their tender words:

“Connecting with others by reading about or sharing experiences is an essential part of your healing. At the moment you learn that your brother or sister is going to die or has died, you begin to form a special place within you to put this experience and keep it away from the rest of your life. This “trauma membrane” keeps others away from your pain and your experience. Other bereaved siblings can often get inside this trauma membrane when no one else can. Once you open this part of yourself to another person whom you trust, healing can begin.”

Especially right now, while the pain, shock, agony, and all the other mixes of emotions and “grief” (I have “grieved” before, but have never lost another sibling, and this is quite traumatic) are so fresh and extensive, it’s nice to be reminded that there are a few people I know and love that could provide me with unique support. And then I’ll continue reading about other’s experiences, and maybe I can share it with them.

My goodness, gracious. My GOD. This is difficult. My mom admitted to me that she has said a traditional prayer each night before going to bed for as long as she can remember, but since my sis died, she has had trouble with it. She and I discussed how the religious beliefs we’ve held explain death and the “hereafter” quite well, so even though there have been other difficult deaths (and especially some recently- read back through my blog if you really cared to know all I’ve been through in the past 2 years!), we’ve never blamed God or said “Why me?!” Now, I have trouble too. Anyway, back to story, I’m wrapping up this poor post pitifully . She said every night since it happened, she’s just said: “I’m mad at you,” or, “I’m still mad at you”.

Cute. Family is great. This @#$% is weird. I’ll tell you that much. I never could have predicted this is what I’d be doing. I thought things were going to be great, 6 weeks ago I was so optimistic I could have a great new, wondrous life. And now all I’m having is a woundrous life. Get it?

Alright, well, we’ll see what happens. I’ll let you know about my internet searching (though it’s really past my bedtime, so maybe I’ll just take care of myself and get to bed), as I’m sure there are hours and hours and thousands and thousands of pages and links and tidbits and message boards and book and other recommendations on how to deal with it. But that did help me tonight, when I was alone, and feeling so lost and alone about this.

I love you, internet. I’m going to be writing on your webpages a lot since I didn’t recently get raptured.