coming up on another “deathaversary”

you say “deathiversary” i say “deathaversary

in any case, we’re coming up on the 2nd one. the 1st one year anniversary of my father’s passing. (yes, tear, i did already survive 2 deathaversary’s for my sister).

i feel so sad for people who lose fathers very young (or either parent of course), and also for people who don’t have a father present in their lives. i am incredibly, indescribably sad about losing my dad, i think of him ALL the time (especially lately), but i am also very grateful to have had him as my father. i am so lucky. he was a really wonderful man.

and we got to work through some of that tough stuff people want to later on in life. i started doing that a while back though, because i had heard of people having issues with their parents, and i thought i should work on mine to be more perfect. it may or may not have worked. but i am SO lucky to say it ended on a very positive note, me feeling reaffirmed and loved and gifted with an approving blessing- he did finally come to peace with me not being a teacher and said he was proud of me no matter what

tear

anyway, this deathaversary comes at a tough time. i’m moving. and busy. but that’s life. that’s why some people have severe anniversary reactions, not being aware and whatnot. well, i’m too aware sometimes. and it’s just not pleasant. still hard to believe.

i hear the second year is worse. but. that’s just what someone said. i think it will and won’t be. it’ll be life. i’m pretty optimistic. and, to be completely honest, i have struggled with myself telling myself i need to “move on” after a year, imagining most people saying that.

but you never “move on” from losing a loved family member, you move forward, different than before, forever altered. it might get easier. sure it has in some ways. but in other ways it has not. it’s hard to balance feeling like you’re moving forward with not compromising losing the memories of them. and don’t try telling me “you’ll always have the memories” or “they’ll live on in your heart/dreams” if you’ve lost a beloved family member, you know.

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