Of course when someone asks me how I’m doing, every day and every time I could respond “Terribly. My sister recently died.” But that would scare away all my friends and other American societarians. (Americans just don’t respect grief enough, or rather it’s not appreciated and understood as much as it should be. Guess that happens with an instant-gratification, hide your emotions, compete compete compete way-of-life). But I do not say that I’m depressed, or feeling awful. It depends obviously on who’s asking and whether I think they’d care for a real response, as many people surely do, but I also reflect on how I’m doing at that time, and if it’s good, it’s good.
At first it was really hard. Immensely difficult. But I’ve learned a few things. I’ll talk about them in another post, but, knowing that I’ll have the rest of my life to grieve/deal with this, I cannot always be bad. I chose not to go the way of abysmal depression and despair, and to let my emotions come and go as necessary, to be honest with myself, and occasionally with those around me 🙂
But I find a lot of things in life have to do with your attitude. And that’s been said many times before, but it’s always good to have a reminder, as lasting change takes consistent effort. And I’d like to share this as perhaps someone searching for grief will come across it, and feel some resonance with what I’m saying. No, I’m not anywhere near “getting over it” or “moving on” (which I read one author said it seems that society gives you sympathy and allows grieving for about 6 weeks). I still think about her several times a day, cry almost daily, and occasionally have a memory or something that gives me the urge to cry and I don’t if I’m in public or whatever. But I debated taking anti-depressants, and decided not to as they a) would certainly give me crazy side effects (especially because of my point of view on prescription medications), and b) they would only mask the feelings/pain temporarily, and may even make it difficult to feel appropriate responses to whatever situation I’m in. I was only considering them if I had gotten into an unreasonable amount of depression, and as the weeks have gone by (soon it will be two months), I feel better more and more of the time.
Back to the attitude thing. I do believe in the law of attraction. My life has taken quite a few different turns recently, and some major changes have happened (other than my sister’s death). I could easily, and justifiably, say I’m doing horribly, and complain or, more appropriately, be grumpy. But I find myself happy, or in a positive mental state, a surprising amount of the time.
And I have another job potential that I’m REALLY excited about. I’m glad not to be teaching because I couldn’t imagine being “on” all the time, plus the grading and planning in the evenings. It is also summer. Who knows, I will probably go back to teaching at some point, but for now I want to try out jobs that give me more freedom, and see if I can do more with my creative interests.
In having a good attitude, I don’t waste as much time, I feel better (and it’s a positive cycle), and sometimes I just feel that my sister is looking down on me, wishing me well and hoping that I am happy. And laughing. We always made each other laugh, a lot.
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” -Shakespeare
That guy knew what he was talking about!