Death of a Sibling, googled. part 1.

I could get into a lot right now. I know I need want to be writing more. You see, there is so much involved in losing a sibling. So much. And it’s so weird. 2 weeks, 4 days since my sister’s been gone. I know because I stopped crossing off the date on my above-my-desk-calendar the day it happened. I really think I need to make a page/section on this. Possibly. (Update- page started! (and just under a year later!))

So I was going through old letters from her, and again scouring my massive database of pics and videos, and whenever I come across a video of her, it produces the weirdest reactions. (Not that weird, probably totally normal, but I just mean weird in the sense of how can I really believe that she is no longer alive and stuff…) Yeah, seeing her in videos is weird.

Maybe I’ll get you a vid, but right now I can’t unless it’s on youtube. It’s all a huge blur of blubber- tears.

Actually I don’t think I cried once today about it, or maybe a few tearings-ups, the floody days were exhausting, yet, I’m sure there will be more to come.

I’m trying to get around to saying I was going through stuff, then was like “Oh, yeah. The internet could possibly help me!” So I googled: “Death of a Sibling“. Then I read one page, liked a whole lot of it, and got distracted, writing my two “bereaved” siblings a long email, and then decided to blog.

This blog post is ALL over the place. Blogging will be good. With the help of a friend, I decided to come up with ~10 things I like to do, and to do between 3-5 of them a day. Blogging is definitely one of them!

But here is that first link I found: Words of Wisdom for Those Who Have Lost a Sibling

I liked it. It’s a page made by some guy, with a few different sections. Anniversary reactions (the pain coming up on the anniversary of their death or birth, and other times) will indeed happen and be difficult, sometimes decades later. Right now, we’re talking days and week anniversaries. I know I have thought of them. I like the tip of simply being aware of the dates can help lessen the pain or symptoms that may come up (if you weren’t aware).

The Lost Relationship
section just lists a bunch of different factors- what was the relationship like? circumstances of death? (She passed suddenly, unexpectedly, and wrongly- in a car crash that wasn’t her fault). A bunch of other things that may change how the grief goes. There are indeed some other factors I may get into in blogging or private writing moreso.
The Importance of Self-Care. I was reading this, and thought that was the end of the page, and decided to help care for myself, I would reach out to my bro and sis, and wrote them an email. I want to include the paragraphs I really liked from this section on processing a sibling loss:

Learn about the process

You can help yourself to heal in other ways too. One is to educate yourself about the process of grief–just being able to give a name to what is happening to you is helpful. As you consider the phases and stages of grief, you don’t have to agree with any particular theory. In fact, you might make up your own theory of grief stages, based on your own experience. Who else is better qualified? Learning about the stages helps you to put your experience into a specific context. This feels better than living with the vague ill-defined “soup” of mixed emotions and thoughts about your loss.

It is also helpful to learn about the lifelong impact of sibling loss, so you can compare and contrast your experience with what has been learned through research. Every time you read about someone else’s experience or the results of research on sibling loss, you have an opportunity to sort out your experience. You say to yourself, “my experience wasn’t like that” or “that’s exactly what I felt.” This process of turning the experience over and over in your mind works somewhat like a rock tumbler–you put in jagged rocks and tumble them until they become smooth. Comparing and contrasting your experience helps you to work it through.

And then it talked about connecting with other bereaved siblings and I really liked their tender words:

“Connecting with others by reading about or sharing experiences is an essential part of your healing. At the moment you learn that your brother or sister is going to die or has died, you begin to form a special place within you to put this experience and keep it away from the rest of your life. This “trauma membrane” keeps others away from your pain and your experience. Other bereaved siblings can often get inside this trauma membrane when no one else can. Once you open this part of yourself to another person whom you trust, healing can begin.”

Especially right now, while the pain, shock, agony, and all the other mixes of emotions and “grief” (I have “grieved” before, but have never lost another sibling, and this is quite traumatic) are so fresh and extensive, it’s nice to be reminded that there are a few people I know and love that could provide me with unique support. And then I’ll continue reading about other’s experiences, and maybe I can share it with them.

My goodness, gracious. My GOD. This is difficult. My mom admitted to me that she has said a traditional prayer each night before going to bed for as long as she can remember, but since my sis died, she has had trouble with it. She and I discussed how the religious beliefs we’ve held explain death and the “hereafter” quite well, so even though there have been other difficult deaths (and especially some recently- read back through my blog if you really cared to know all I’ve been through in the past 2 years!), we’ve never blamed God or said “Why me?!” Now, I have trouble too. Anyway, back to story, I’m wrapping up this poor post pitifully ;). She said every night since it happened, she’s just said: “I’m mad at you,” or, “I’m still mad at you”.

Cute. Family is great. This @#$% is weird. I’ll tell you that much. I never could have predicted this is what I’d be doing. I thought things were going to be great, 6 weeks ago I was so optimistic I could have a great new, wondrous life. And now all I’m having is a woundrous life. Get it?

Alright, well, we’ll see what happens. I’ll let you know about my internet searching (though it’s really past my bedtime, so maybe I’ll just take care of myself and get to bed), as I’m sure there are hours and hours and thousands and thousands of pages and links and tidbits and message boards and book and other recommendations on how to deal with it. But that did help me tonight, when I was alone, and feeling so lost and alone about this.

I love you, internet. I’m going to be writing on your webpages a lot since I didn’t recently get raptured. 😉

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