Seriously S#$%^y

There my life was, having some ups and some downs, and quite a few changes, actually, and then, something totally unexpected happened. And it was/is totally traumatic. Terrible.

My sister was killed in a car accident.

I have been through a number of things in my life, and I am accustomed to having and processing a plethora of feelings, but nothing has ever been or felt as s#%^&y as this. This takes all the cake, binges on the whole thing, then throws it back up on me, and then I get sick from it.

Part of the difficulty is that now I’m working from home doing something I did before, and it’s not teaching. It’s good I’m not teaching, because there is no way I could put on a happy face every day and pretend like everything’s ok. My entire future forecast has been dimmed, and mangled. Speaking of mangled, this is how bad the crash was:

Look at how beautiful the background is (that day looks so gorgeous as opposed to the flood warnings and rain and storm forecasted all up in my near future face), and it marks (what I hope will be!) the worst day of my life (or I should at least get a 20-30 year good-to-go no-tragedy guarantee).

My cousin committed suicide in August last year, and left behind my good childhood friend to raise their three young children. Then in November, my best friend’s brother died unexpectedly of an overdose. He was a similar age to my sister. I did grieve about that, because I knew that could have been my sister.

But she was doing well, and then that’s what happened?! And we’re still waiting to hear back about what made the guy cross over the median. Ugh. Swear words.

It’s been 12 days. The week where I went home to Michigan felt like several eternities. So if there is a heaven like I’m trying to still believe, maybe that overwhelming feeling that was enough to severely alter how time felt could conversely be a good thing, like, “Yay, someday I’ll get to go to Heaven and be with my sister to eternity.” But right now the rain and the wretched reality are sinking me into a sad stupor.

I have told my resilient persona that I will not allow myself to go into a deep depression where I don’t do anything and don’t reach out for help. And I won’t go there. But, I have had a pretty rough time since I got back home a couple days ago. Working at home alone, coupled with not being in the serious relationship I was in before, and combined with the density of difficulty associated with this death is oppressive.

She was doing so well, my beautiful sister. She had had a tough life, and had moved to be in a better place. She wanted kids. She was using her strength to make good judgments, and then God said, “Sorry, it’s time for you to go. It’ll seem like an extra-ironic-and-cruel joke!”

God wouldn’t say that. And I really do feel like how would/could a God ‘allow’ something like this to happen. The religion I was raised in talks about how sometimes God permits things to happen- there is a hierarchy, with good will (meaning, like, His blessing basically), and then there’s the lowest.

But this is beyond low.

Not even each day or hour, but rather each minute that goes by, I realize more and more that this did happen, and that my life will be forever affected. Time will not heal all wounds, because you never get over losing a sibling you’re close to, not so young, not so unexpectedly. I know it may will get easier. But it just sickens and saddens me so.

Nothing can make this pain go away, so I guess I will have to write that book. And maybe I’ll blog a little too. It’s ok if it’s depressing, maybe I can add a section to my blog on death in the family. I don’t want to take anti-depressants, but at the same time, who knows. I don’t know how strong my abilities are, with such overpowering dismalitude.

double yew tee efffffffffffffff.

At least I still make up words sometimes. Just not a good day today, or recently. Not good days.

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