comparisons and co.

“it is so. it cannot be otherwise.”

what it is.

life is what it is, it’s what you make of it, it’s also wildly out of your control. at least that’s what i’m feeling right now. of course you can “control” your environment “to an extent”.

it’s all about attitude, and choice, and change.

but i realize several things.

1) i want to be famous in some way, or wildly successful, and i have to come to the realistic realization that the success might be in me finding a suitable career that makes enough money to get by comfortably (gasp…or even one where i just make enough to pay the bills and scrape by), or working hard on a relationship that could continue into marriage where i realize i have to work even harder but for greater payoff, or in small successes that i don’t already see as benchmarks. like little blogging successes here and there. i haven’t had too many of those, but i haven’t been doing too much quality blogging, more like pathetic low-quality online journaling.

2) even if i were to achieve wild success, it certainly wouldn’t make me that much happier. au contraire, it would probably bring a whole new set of concerns. i never realized how much it cost to be a big-name star until i watched entourage. i see that once you get a more expensive living style, you must upkeep it: expensive furniture for the expensive house, drinks and club fees to keep up with other tabloid-hungry-vampire-stars

3) on a smaller scale, i even need to work on stopping comparing myself to other people i know. it’s good to reflect on what i see of them and A) recognize i’m probably not seeing their difficulties (like the difficulties i keep to myself) and B) i’ll see something i like and instead of being jealous or getting depressed by comparison, i can find something i could achieve on par with that or in a similar thread of life and work towards that. like, if someone has an awesome job with flexible hours and great pay, i have to see the nit ‘n grit behind it and adjust what i can do for myself. everything takes work!

4) back to what it is. i am free to free myself of an “all-or-nothing” destructive cycle. it really is what it is. and sometimes it’s bleak, like the weather today. and i have certain realities i must live with, and face when necessary, and put on a shelf at other times (though these things are always there). they may not be in the future, but most likely i’ll always have some family difficulty or another. nobody has a perfect family. i can appreciate the humor and love and support i still get from my family.

what it is, oh boy, oh girl, oh yeah. it’s a lot of work. and maybe i have a better ability to feel more joy because i’ve felt “more sorrow”.

i am still young, even if my marriage-clock is ticking as it does every summer where i hear about more and more friends getting engaged or married. i have to remind myself i’m not in a rush, i’m in it for life. marriage, that is, ’twere it a possibility.

who knows. more importantly, i’m almost finished a huge landmark for myself, and i want to finish strong and as happily as can be. it’s been a rough year, though. but i know i am stronger in many ways because of it.

so, in conclusion, don’t let comparisons give you too much company! go for a walk, go for a talk with a friend, get intimate in a friendly way with more people so you can see that life ain’t easy for nobody or nothin, etcetera, double negatives,