i can’t see. out of my eyes.

(i wrote friday’s blog on a napkin while at the bar, saturday and sunday i couldn’t see out my eyes, and then i found some new spots of life. despite the cold hearted robots)

Friday- when I do see my friends I cherish every detail I learn about them that reinforces a heartfelt human connection between them and I, that lies anew beneath my humoristic (at times) robotlike exterior. It’s funny that some of my BFF’s (bottomy) have never read my ‘blog’ but I love those who do maybe just as much. They probably know more about me than my other friends do.

Saturday- ouch. My heart hurt a lot last night. Almost like it never has before. I know this because I woke up about every half hour with my heart pounding at unnecessarily excessive speeds. Oh my. It was awful.

Sunday- I saw ‘Stranger than Fiction’. I appreciated how it touched upon romance, but not grossly. I like how it was dramatic, but realistic enough that my temporary situational depression didn’t get caught up in it. I need to get internet. I need to do a lot of stuff.
But today I had another pleasant encounter with a friend. I went on a long walk with her all over town, and we talked about everything. So many good insights into life. Upon recently deciding to really break up my life, I have felt it. Felt the real. The real all of it.
It was good to hear her thoughts on her marriage and how it is both something wonderful exciting heartfelt and the like, and also enough of an endeavor that you still do go through the times of self-doubt or still have relational issues. I am not summarizing it well, it was very lively at the time and I was taken away with love for life.
What I mean? as I realize more and more that marriage is not something that could save me, but rather an adventure that I need to have 8 chariots of fire passion for both it and the guy, I appreciate hearing about my friends’ endeavors with it. And I don’t need it yet. But I look forward to developing my awesome life awesomely so that I can have a chance at snagging me some pirates.

I’m done with those thoughts. I have to go feed my blindness.

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2 Responses to i can’t see. out of my eyes.

  1. paola says:

    Relationships can’t make us be any less crazy or save us– but, in a sickeningly romantic way, it is portrayed as the solution to self-discovery and growth. Are you following me here? The worst part of this is that we expect people to find themselves through relationships, whether it be with a significant other, family, or friends. Not to get all “women’s liberation” on your blog’s ass, but this seems to be especially true for females. And I don’t mean that strictly in the romantic sense, but females tend to “find themselves” through dedication to their families as well as their significant others. It’s not unusual for a woman to feel slightly lost if she is not playing a role in a family or relationship by a certain age. And I’m not bashing anyone who feels as though their purpose in life is to have a well-established marriage and family (I’m sure each one is wonderful in its own way), but I am saying that it can lead to a shaky self-image.

    And I feel that’s kinda where you lie, M-doo. You haven’t established yourself as fiance, wife, mother, or something along those lines; therefore you feel as though you’re floating in the dreary mists of loneliness and purposelessness. But I propose you establish yourself as Actual Human Being before you do anything else, so you can pass along the strong foundation of your character to your loved ones. You’re on your way to be an AHB, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. You teach people at least one alternative persective on life, whether they want to hear it or not. (stop blogging? jk). AHBs make impressions.

    I’m going to start a book. What I just wrote will be the bulk of it, and the rest will just be filler. What do you think?

  2. harse - garth says:

    If this is too muchness of my blog post #46, you can get rid of everything after the 2nd paragraph.

    I was writing a comment and then it almost turned into my blog… I will not mar this perfectly good one with such filth.

    I wanted to say I connect, simply. Mostly I can stay un interested in other people in their lives. But when they stand closer to me and hurt, I can feel it. I kind of figured out/selfmentioned a long while ago that although it might seem like the answer, relationships don’t usually save anybody, especially if they’re looking to it as the answer. The answer to what you are looking for is usually slow and in yourself. You slowly save yourself. I can say more that I’ve thought about, but I like things to make a lasting impact and be correct, rather than watering them down with maybe’s.

    I think this all has a bearing on what we’re getting at here..but one other thing whether it does or not, before I forget it when I don’t want too…
    Anticipation and Desires.

    (maybe expectations, but they’re a little different.

    I read/intook/got the general idea, somewhere in my recent journey’s of knowledge gathering, about the general idea of letting things happen, or not having expectations as to not be let down. As I thought about this, I found I don’t really like the idea, atleast for me. I like anticipation, I like desire etc. Not only relationship(ly?) but in anything, concertz, buying something, whatever, but I guess the ultimate would be with a relationship/marriage. It’s hard to deal with it when things don’t work out, but that’s the price I’m willing to pay for the risk of the higher pinnacle I seem to experience. Because when things work out as you anticipate, in my experience, I feel like it’s much more satisfying, the pinnacle is higher than say the same event as a surprise. As this is just a thought and I definitely see some holes in it, and it’s by no means an absolute value of mine, it is something I am aware and control.

    Why am I saying this, nobody said anything against this? I guess I just feel a general push against having desire for things, and a pull on a more buddhist ideal of ridding yourself of desires etc. to prevent suffering. Well maybe just to illustrate….something?…I was once in my “shrinks” office, when I used to do that (I like to call them that, I think it’s taking a shot at them, ’cause I think they’re useless to me, and unnecessarily expensive). And I mentioned planning to go to drum school. I had already decided but not technically done anything about attending (application etc.) But, I was so sure that I was going and getting in. I knew it, nothing was going to stop me as far as I was concerned. So he made the suggestion, “What if you don’t go, what if you don’t get in?” This infuriated me, to think negatively like that. For one, I was fucking going, period, no matter what. 2 – Thinking like that is just pointless. In anything, of course theres risk in something not happening. You assume that risk when you decide on anything, even a cup of coffee. “I just don’t want you to get your hopes up” he said… I thought it was just so assanine at the time. I see what you’re trying to do, but what’s the point in not getting my hopes up, there’s nothing that’s going to stop me, except myself, and if you’re not excited about something, its just flat soda. This was about a year and a half ago, or a year. Now? well in sept. I start my 3rd semester there in NY. so he can get f__ked.

    I’ve just now hit what I’m getting at. Life is a rollercoaster, right? yeah. Well what I’m saying is if you don’t have desires and anticipation, your roller coster is a flat line that you slowly move along in, boooorrring.

    So it’s kind of like that I guess, and in regards to the highs and lows, Life is a rollercoaster, what’s not fun about that? The anticipation of going up? fun. Getting there and seeing everything spread out under you? awesome. and when you’re scared as hell and facing an 80 degree drop and screaming, you’re having maybe the most fun. So rollercoasters are awesome, except some of the really windy ones where you’re feet hang down, they make you really sick alot of the time.

    I like to jump and yell and act like an ass when things go well.

    Sorry for doing exactly what I set out not to do, just happened and I kept going. Theres alot to say, but I’ll save it for my secret garden of wires and electronics.

    Anyway, I connect, I see. It’s easy to say things rather than do them, so I won’t say them.

    I’m no woman, but I understand what you both said, probably because it was written in english.

    8 Chariots of Fire, I like that, it’s a tall order, but so is family. Nice.

    I can live for days and days off lines like that.

    ThRings and thRings and thRings and thRings.

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