the future is just a little too near

ouch it’s cold and both my homework and my heart hurt. i’m going to make a great teacher hatin’ on homework like i do. i promise to keep in mind my loathing for homework that i don’t like when i try to give some that some students might not like. the only time i have to do my homework is rarely/never, and the only people i hang out with are robots. i mean computers. i mean.

oh my wishlist it is cold. why! so cold. maybe i’m cold-hearted. yes. i am. right now. oh boy! one would think that since i can i would edit these ‘blogs’. i don’t. obviously? oh my la i am so cold and so concerned about how much homework i didn’t do for so long. so boring!

new subject- family, children, future, oldness, etcetera. so i was thinking that i wouldn’t have kids until i am financially pretty decent off, right?! be practical eh!? then i was thinking about how often people don’t get there and have kids anyway. and not the really impoverished irresponsibles (no judgment. judgment?), but the people who have a love and have a life and want to see what will happen in the world as they bring new life to it.

so i was thinking. it might be okay if they’re not completely rich enough. you have kids, you save money while their babies right? i mean it’s not like kids go to college right out of the womb. they don’t even need to ever go to college. maybe.

but in the end i decided that having more love than money is the most important. the best of families are that way because of the love, not because of the money. yes money can flow things a lot better, but boo ka tchoo, whooped if i don’t remember the tender loving memories more than the times that we didn’t have cable or the fact that i never went to disneylandworld. i don’t care even now about either of those that much. i do care about money right now though whilst i am on my own.

why do i care about these little humans if i’m so far from marriage? i care. because i could get married any day without even realizing it and then it might be all biological childbomb time in my me. i’m sure that’s not what those famous ‘men my age’ want to hear. a coworker and i discussed how at this age (24 me/25 him) there seems to be a divide amongst women and men, or also just between those looking to get married and those looking to simply date. but i see women tending to be the ones casting a hot eye upon marriage- especially those wanting to use their uter-oos for optimal health babes.

i know i’m young, so maybe i should date an olderish man. i’m aiming for 26/27/28 next time around. i also don’t serial date, i serious date. that’s a downfall of my heart that gets no adjective on this public a forum.

go join my forum and say stuff on that one french website i made. [can no longer associate them via the webbed feet of internet tubes because of the future, my future]

i want to be a dj so bad. more bad than anyone knows. maybe if i put away a savings column in my ‘ing’ accounts for turntables i can be. i could just start with other music, but i’m bored with what i pretend to already know. ho ho. not true. i’m lying to you, see me through, i’m kinda blue with the saturated pretense of present and future tenses’ sensibility, predictability, unbeknownst to me, there’s more out there around the lurking cornerstone of my musical agility, sad as it may now be, use the counterbalance for frigidity, as a new perspective in heat’s fast rushed rhyming, with the right timing, someday i’ll laugh at this stuff while climbing the mind.

(addendumps- i definitely am not equipped appropriately for a small human if i laughed at this instead of was aghast ud)

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One Response to the future is just a little too near

  1. Ian says:

    SLAPDASH, ESSAYISH THINGIE FOLLOWS. (gotta go to bed, yeesh, it’s 6:30! no guarantees are made regarding the completeness or consistency of the below brainstorm)

    This is actually one of my favorite subjects to ponder, although it has yet to result in any new philosophical revelations. It’s a big deal! It’s all so bound up in childhood, indeed the very reason (if any) anyone is here in the first place. I don’t really know any men who want to have children, or at least have said as much. I know fathers, of course, and all are enthusiastic and/or dedicated as one might expect, but from what I’ve seen, the question of why seems to wholly evaporate with fatherhood. It’s a reaction, and an appropriate one (thinking ‘what if I hadn’t?’ seems pretty anathema to the conscientious parent, to say nothing of talking about it) — but I can’t help but wonder what evaporates with the news, or birth, or what have you. The question becomes beside the point.

    The peripheral encounters I’ve had with guys who want to have families have been a little strange. The desire to do so to perpetuate the family line, for example, has (coming from men) always seemed to me to be kind of…aggressive, maybe? Egocentric, certainly, for what must by definition be a (lopsidedly) cooperative process.

    It’s a shame the way family names traditionally work; one extinguished, one extended. All so combative. Anyhow!

    The issue, again, seems to be almost entirely decided by family factors.

    – how one feels about one’s childhood

    – to improve upon one’s upbringing? to replicate it?

    When I look back on my childhood and how effing intrepid my parents were (and are) in keeping things stable, safe, up, and running I have quite a bit of trouble imagining myself rising to that level of sacrifice and dedication. …but “it changes everything,” I am told.

    – current family pressures

    This is something I know nothing about.

    – the above-mentioned economic concerns

    and the gigantic X factor:

    – one’s chosen family, that is to say, one’s spouse-y, partner-y, coparent-y type.

    I can barely imagine a being whose mere presence would melt through my logical-emotional knotwork and make the risk of creating and nurturing new life make any semblance of sense. I am, as such, jealous of:

    – folks who can imagine such a person and pursue relationships with people who inspire that fearlessness in them

    – folks who desire and can imagine parenting without necessarily needing a superawesome otherperson to make it all make sense — thus possibly bringing that confidence and ambition to someone else, who might also have it, and then “everything changes” again, not with the fact of new life but of love, and logicking is moot

    It’s just such an audacious act to parent, now of all times. Anytime, of all times! At any given moment, there are socioeconomicpolitical forces acting upon me — upon everyone — that I can barely begin to understand. The teevee, the written word, sound, art, religion, philosophy, gastronomy, ecology, biology. It’s a mess, a war, a miasma of ideas and phenomena under and out of my control…there are stars in the sky that have been extinguished for millions of years whose last lights no one may ever see, and preschoolers who wear cooler clothing than I would know how to select (it’s colorful, and warm. Functional, snazzy, so far as I can tell), and who judge, mock, hate, befriend, defend, adore by criteria even their own parents might never quite ‘get’. There are lessons parents have taught us we might not get for twenty years, and lessons given them that they might never get. Is now the time to spin the wheel, to try again, to lay down roots in the tentative earth, to learn by teaching, to trust another life to the thousand systems?

    If it is — now, or soon, or later than soon — hats off to you. Even entertaining the notion is a great thing.

    (completely omitted from the above brainstorming is discussion of the fact of gestation and birth, which is mindblowing that it ever works, let alone does so to a net positive effect on world population, is as close to miraculous as the fact of life itself, and to even have the possibility of bearing a child must, I imagine, be crazy-intimidating potentialtown. and, I’m out.)


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