Amandoo’s Handle of Realitumtum

M-cat and I went to Eagle diner yesterday and I got my blueberry muffin toasted and a piece of ham came with the toasting; it was a nice flavor shot to mix it up a little. Returning there a second time the same day, thinking we’d get the Sunday dinner special, we unfortunately received a truncated menu with not even macaroni and cheese. But we were happy to have that wild salad bar as always mmm. Our waitress actually sat down next to me to talk to us about what options we did in fact have. I got some sort of sirloin steak or something which actually turned out to be a humongous hamburger HUGE!!! I felt sick and full and I barely ate any of it. Maybe later I’ll tell you what we did with it, but for now, that’s just our little secret…

So I had my first day of work today. I can get free coffee and tea before during and after my shift so watch out coffee addiction here I come. A lot of standing around, but also a lot of seeing people I know which is fun. I mostly microwaved cinnamon buns but I did also get to ring up a few people woohoo. One girl couldn’t decide what she wanted and eventually she said to her mom “I want a frappuccino from Starbucks” ha! The manager was like boo. That’s the end of my stories as I am too tired to think anymore.

I got a job! I’m going to work at the local coffeemashoppe. The downside is that I have to work at 7:15 a.m, and I’ll probably get addicted to coffee. I went on a nice walk with a friend today by the three castles and the Cathedral. Do people realize how odd it is to have these castles just hangin out here? I went down to LaSalle and checked out the area, it’s nicer than I remembered it to be, but I’m still a little scared to go back to school. We figured out that I’ll be in 17th grade. Pretty crazy. I have seen a lot of little children and babies about which I enjoy quite a bit. It turns out more of my friends are in town than I had hoped so now I’m going to go hang out with them and hope that they still like me.

I finally got manic again after many weeks of a lack thereof. The BA-town will do that to you. I came into this thing with a head on straight and a wave and a smile or two for all my new friends. I also almost straight chipped my tooth on the car door. M-dog cut off a whole lot of his hair, it’s almost bear. I even went to the old hangout Always Cafe and drank limeade like the good old days this summer when I don’t know if I was crazier or not crazier. Then we went down to the P-pack and frolicked about with some old lollygaggers for a while and later played at the playground like a pack of wild 10 year olds and to finish the evening we played a few rousing games of Twister before people started falling asleep on the board. I can already tell it’s going to be a wonderful life ah ha ha haaaaaaaaa. This is both the land of the holy and the cheese steak after all (not to mention the only place I know of that has a ‘veggie patty’ at Subway). I cannot tell a lie though, I do miss my family and cats and reality TV shows already, but such is life or la vie as the French would call it.

I’m high on life (actually on a sugar high from the ‘contraband’ (what my mother calls McDonald’s and other junk food) we had for dinner) and I’m really likin it. Last night I watched an awesome show on yogic flying and karate masters using not their hands, but chi force to knock people out. I will learn to use chi force to knock people out. Today I watched four episodes of Growing up Gotti and am currently watching a show about monkeys and homo erectus- the best part was when they monkied a guy all up and he went out and about in the city scaring people. I’m in disbelief that I’ll be leaving MI tomorrow…I’ve been getting accustomed to watching lots and lots of bizarre TV. Good news, though. The Andy Milinakas show is actually on MTV so there’s a good chance you could see it. It’s definitely my kind of humor. My sister and I started reading people’s blogs and I am now thoroughly embarrassed that mine is so, je ne sais pas, underdevelopped? I’m really not sure what I have to work with, but I’ll get on it. For now, here’s an interesting website: http://www.strindbergandhelium.com/. A bit morose, but quite humorous. And to end on a positive note, a quote from an email from a friend: “God totally has your back, no matter what happens.”

It’s a sweltering Sunday of sorts, I’m outside in my backyard of course, given it up for the one and only Source. I got my prayers answered this morning when my aunt called me to say I could live there so now my day does not have to be as anxiety ridden as the previous few. I am quite sad that summer’s coming to an end. I’m going to miss the cicadas and the frog and fish pond, the cats (especially Tranquillity and the kitten that eats all types of food even salad and thinks he’s part human), my mom’s best friend Kelly (a spider that overtook half her window), my fam of course and the ever-precious four year old niece Charlotte who’s going to school for the first time. If she’s excited then dag-gon-it (ha) I should be too, though she has proven herself to be more fearless than me. Little does she know ’schooling’ never ends muah haha. Sometimes I get annoyed at the way society expects us to do more and more schooling but that topic’s for another day, not this beautiful Sunday.

“Frustration is inevitable when you view life as a series of attempts to have things go your way. Happiness comes when you view life as an endless series of possibilities that you need to make the best of.”

I suppose a good idea to maximize happiness on this lovely day would be to spend more time with the fam which means less time ‘packing’ and more time shoving random things in boxes.

Yes indeed, it looks like things are moving forward for this girl, just like her high school senior class motto- Go Forward! (But, like my future bro in law once said- Amandoo, you’re always moving forward whether you like it or not, heh)

In the Holographic Universe (excellent metaphysical book) they talk about people with multiple personality disorders who can switch personalities and have certain ones be allergic to bee stings for example and others not. There are other stories about a certain personality having diabetes and others not, and it talks about how each personality can even have different foreign language fluency and handwriting. I was fascinated by all of this because I’ve always felt I had multiple personalities, unfortunately mine really is just only one- me. But today I feel a whole lot different than yesterday for example. My cat projectile snotted on the floor in one of his coughs (we believe he has a respiratory infection of sorts) and it was equally bewildering and disgusting. I’m pretending to pack my stuff but really doing more of nothing. Thinking about religion and Oneness…I’m not quite sure what I believe anymore. Today I’m down with one big commandment- lovin the neighbor. Putting more faith in people and seeing them as divine beings is in order these days. Markymark was saying that if you really try to communicate with people you can often get past judgment, so this is another one of my goals, to get beyond judgment issues and move into love and open communication. I’m wearing a Power to the Peaceful shirt that has become my new favorite shirt and I’ve got dizzy upon standing about six times today and life and I are still friends. I also have to mention the show Growing up Gotti which I watched for the first time today and then three more times. Reality TV shows are whack and beyond getting out of hand.

Quote du jour:
“There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”

Since I told more people about this blog machine I’ve decided to go even more public about my life of late. To answer your question, yes I did go to two mental institutions, and I kind of liked it, kind of didn’t, feel free to ask me more about them.

This place is my one sided communication of the undervalued honesty type. My goal here in these tell all bits of my brainlife is to let my friends know what up wit me, the ‘I’m sensitive but I don’t know if I’d like to stay that way’ girl. Because the Truth is, I ain’t who I used to be. Who is though? Up with free range change!

Goal number two…letting go of caring so much what people think of me and an elimination of what I see as judgment. I have friends that hang out all over the colors of the personality rainbow and I love them all equally. I don’t know exactly who I am, but if you the reader love me for being what I am, then I am happy. If you don’t love me I’ll send my cats out to get you and believe you me we’ve got like two tigers.

Peace and love and applesauce slosh woot woot

I decided to play the diagnose myself game today so I was looking up different mental problems. I decided I have a generally generalized anxiety disorder (just in general you know), foreshadowings of panic attacks, a possible early recognition of psychosis (who isn’t a little psychotic these days) and the winner of them all- depression. Why did I pick depression you may ask? The deciding symptom listed was this: Feeling of worthlessness and quilt. That’s right. The Institute of Mental Health Online hit it right on the elbow, I’ve been feeling quite quilty lately. Maybe I’ll go make a quilt of all my feelings to celebrate. Did you know that today is the Ghost Festival in the Chinese Calender for no apparent reason, my dad called me a liar for no good reason, and my neighbor is sporadically starting and stopping mowing their lawn also for no reason at all? Or is it I the one with no reason? My brother in law’s lizard has been staring up at the sky as long as I’ve been staring at him (about a minute) and I’m beginning to think about how similar my life is to that lizard’s. He’s got rocks and sand and fake foliage around him to make him feel like he’s ‘home’, but he can only walk so far before he hits a glass wall and frantically tries to climb up it to no avail. He’s probably happy some of the time, but when he goes to explore and finds those same restraining enclosures, he starts getting all loony. Metaphorical reference explained: My walls would have to be some unresolved family issues, and my new therapy is nature, not caring, and my ‘blogs’.

So you’re still wondering why I chose exactasty.com? Well, exactasty is sort of like the art of being an obsessive compulsive lazy perfectionist who likes delicious (soul or not) food and joyous/positive feelings wherever you can get them in life. That’s sort of me and that’s sort of all I have to say for now.

A spider just created a web on me while I’m sitting on my swing feeling an equal balance of hope and hopelessness for the future. My latest idea is going to South Korea to teach English; they responded to me right away, but asked for a full body shot which made me wary. I do like this idea solely because it gets me out of the country and why not. I also either just got stung or bit by something other than a mosquito because it’s swelling up like mad. Am I allergic to myself? At this point I can’t even ask God for help. On a run today with my mother we stopped and watched a heron. I love nature…maybe I will just go out in the wild and live there like Mr. Grizzly Man. You see, he was a man who lived with the bears for twelve years until he got eaten by one of them.

I saw bigfoot once, which lead me to find this interesting location in the US:

Bigfoot, Texas, USA

“Most of you are probably thinking that the town was named after the legendary monster, Bigfoot. Sorry to burst your bubble but there is no story about a hairy Sasquatch grabbing and eating the locals. The town was named after William A. A. (Bigfoot) Wallace, a resident of the community.”

I don’t know why I chose to wear these pants, hotter than hades on this fiery day of sun. Now I want to know have you ever eaten a hard boiled egg that’s just straight up chewy? I did not like it one bit and I ate it anyway. I tried to take a nap and started controlling my dreams…anxiety grew in the pit of my stomach and tried to completely invade my head space…I can’t even nap right anymore. I am waiting to hear from my aunt and uncle about living at their house. This be my only hope for a future, otherwise it’ll be a box and more than just a lil feath, not to mention dodging cops and loan sharks. Currently I’m also reading about reality and trying not to itch my mosquito bites too much. Now I want to use a spectacular phrase…I told my therapist woohoo that I didn’t want to be on anti-depressants. She wished me good luck with my future endeavors, ending the conversation on a sort of bewildered apathetic distrust note. I don’t trust myself either, because I know I’ve gone off the rocker. Now I’ve got my feet on the concrete, I’ll leave this seat to future hope and not repeat.